Inner Musings

Saturday, June 09, 2001

Wesley called me to see if I wanted to go and work out with him today. I said, "Okay, sure." Assuming, wrongly apparently, that we would do something afterwards. Instead he bitched out on me to go home and sleep. I'm going to take this as a strong indication of one of two things: 1)he's not that interested, or 2) he needs to stop drinking so much. And the answer may very well be a combination of the two, something which I don't like to hear, but nevertheless may be true. Well, it looks like tonight is going to be another fucking Saturday night down the tubes. It's very ironic: the only time I ever have anything interesting to do is on a school night when I have homework to do. I think God may hate me.

Anemone Ra 7:35 PM

Yesterday was the last school dance of the year, and it was held outside in our schools' food court. It was really cool, especially when it started pouring,and everyone got soaked. Kind of psuedo-erotic, but it was fun. I got to dance with my friend Finn. If boys weren't so much effort, I'd put some into liking him, but I'm going to sort of what's his face first.

Someone said Wesley was there, but I never saw him, which was disappointing in that I not only didn't get to see him, but also that he didn't look very hard for me. Pout pout. What the hell. I'm completely stupid over Wesley. I'm going to call him tonight, and after that, it's up to him to make the moves. I'm sensing a bit of role-reversal here, and I don't like being the unreciprocated chaser.

Oasis called me yesterday from the library. I went and picked him up. He was stressed because he had to leave the girl who he was staying with. Why? Because his crazy ass dad kept calling and harassing them. Fucker. Oasis was all stressed out, and I had to help him calm down. We hung out for a little bit, and I dropped him off at his friends' house. Kind of scary to be out on your own when you're so young, you know?

This missive is practically pointless, and I'm going to save myself the trouble of any further rambling. I miss Boell. I want Wesley. Summer needs to start now.

Anemone Ra 2:22 PM

Tuesday, June 05, 2001

Fuck.

What a day. Boell is leaving tonight, in about two hours, actually. Ten o' clock. We said goodbye in my English class, and it was horrible, it was sweet, and I couldn't speak. He gave a speech about Leipzig to the class, a little "German Q & A", and all the girls were just smitten mitten witten. I felt a small swell of pride that he was my German friend, but then again, I do have a talent for harnessing ridiculous emotions. Damned if I'm not going to miss him. I'm listening to "Let It Be" by the Beatles. How appropriate.

It was quite a goodbye. I came up to him as he was standing near the front of the class, and people were filing out of the class around us, and he opened his arms up, and he wrapped me up in them. It escaped the cheesiness of a paperback-cover-moment, but I felt rather emotional. It's very sad and strange and weird and wonderful. I don't really know what to say, and I seem capable of only repeating that I'm going to miss him a lot. I'd almost say that I wished he'd been able to hang out with me more, but I don't want to ruin an otherwise perfect experience by saying "what if." I just wish I could capture the moment, leave it exactly as it was, not understated or over-romanticized, just blank-faced and honest.

His brown courduroy coat seemed like it was everywhere, and it was a non-obnoxious shade of brown, like an old tree or maybe a tasteful bench in the park. I was a little surprised at the way he lifted me easily off the ground; he's not a big guy, but like all things German, is very neat and compact. And generally, I would have been thinking about the girls around us going "awwww", but I didn't care because it was me and Boell, and we were saying goodbye.

For a while, it was silence, like I was underwater and there was an eclipse that was enternity encompassed in the blink of an eye. Maybe a wink. When he put me down, it was like our two faces were taking up all the space in the room. And I said, "You'll write?"

I hate goodbyes.

And now, all I can think about are the what ifs. And I remember when I first met him, the day before our field trip to Alki beach, and we were talking about German rap. It was one of those "get to know the other person" exercises that emotionally-stunted teachers (or under-emotionally-stunted teachers) pull on their students. I mentioned a couple groups that I'd heard of, and his eyes lit up. The next day, the day of the field trip, he comes strolling onto the bus, sits down next to me, pulls out his MiniDisc player, offering me an earphone. We end up listening to music and from there, it's history.

Anemone Ra 8:19 PM

Sunday, June 03, 2001

Oasis has ran away again. I made sure to stay out of it, but I'm concerned, so I told him to call me if shit goes really wrong. If his crazy ass dad even thinks about calling me, fucked if I don't drive my little ass on down to courthouse and issue a restraining order pronto. Motherfucker has something coming his way with the way he fucked with Oasis. Anyways. Sigh.

I've started an audio journal recording. It's fun, I guess, but hard to get the words out right, you know? One sided conversations are never fun. I'm hung up over Wesley like a dirty, dirty sock. I tried to get ahold of him last night, but failed. So I pilfered his cell number from his mother, who, along with the rest of the freaking family, just absolutely adores me. I can't really figure out why, but I think that it's because I'm the only one of his friends who doesn't drink on school nights. Just a hunch. And I met her at church, so that goes a long way too, I think. I'm going to go do something useful with myself.

Speaking of interesting things, my parents are both gone tonight. I'm trying to decide the proper way to capitalize on the situation.

Later.

Anemone Ra 1:13 PM