Inner Musings

Thursday, August 30, 2001

Today, my uncle flies in from Queen Charlottes. He's visiting my grandmother, and I'm going to pick him up from the airport in fifteen-thirty minutes. I am unsure of how to deal with this. It's as though the wind has been knocked from my lungs; only a week or two ago did I even learn that she had cancer, and now I'm hearing phrases like "weeks to months" and messages from my great aunts to tell "Uncle Quinn to just go straight to the hospital."

These are certain things that very few people are equipped to handle. I feel as though mentioning the subject of death or even thinking about it brings on some sort of perverse jinx which will ultimately turn sour, and this is a selfish notion (this childish Fruedian notion) , but one that I can't dispel. I ate almost one of everything in the house in some attempt at comfort, instead I'm cold and slightly sick-feeling. I feel unworthy and not good enough for anything right now, particularly facing my grandmother who is dying. The frightening apathy I felt before has been replaced by the sort of fist-clenched heart ache that squeezes the area right below your throat, and all I can think is

what can I do?

Anemone Ra 10:42 AM

Tuesday, August 28, 2001

Moon is back from Hawaii. We talked today for a couple of hours, and it was pretty nice. Things are still strange between me and Eli. Jerrick is leaving in two weeks...he's going back to California. I think maybe my irritation was due to too much Jerrick time. It's all right hanging out with him now.

Mr. Horizon Air has not yet called. It's Tuesday night. Am becoming frustrated, sexually and otherwise. Phone-babysitting is not my idea of a good time. He should hurry up and call already.

My grandmother has cancer, and is in the hospital. I don't know how to deal with this, although I'm supposedly "in touch with my emotions."

Why am I feeling so annotated?

Anemone Ra 10:31 PM

School shopping done. Have acquired an undesirable urge to run myself over with the car. Although knowing my car, it'd probably die at half-task. However, the prospect of new pens and clear binder inserts continue to sooth my conciousness and whisper to my inner-being about the very satisfying nature of getting new office supplies. Is this sick fetish only my own?

Mr. Horizon has not yet called. Although it is Tuesday afternoon. Hm. Will try not to think about it too hard.

Anemone Ra 12:14 PM

Monday, August 27, 2001

Somehow, someone, myself most likely, has deleted the blog that just took me a half an hour to write.

Disgusted, I am going to clean my room. The blog will be shortened, due to a considerable amount of irritation on my part.

1) I gave Mr. Horizon Air my phone number
2) A cute Filipino guy and some creepy guy from Burger King both offered me their phone numbers
3) I miss my sister.

That is all.

Anemone Ra 11:11 AM