The Crappy Apple

I can smell your potatoes a-cooking
On the vegetable rack, in the light
Oh no, that's the smell of them rotting
And suffering potato blight

The Crapy Apple 

I can see all the dew on your carrots
It doesn't get better than this
Wait a minute, the dew isn't yellow
Or sticky, oh my god it's rat's piss

Oh the onions, the red and the white ones
The Spanish are the biggest I've seen
But I thought that genetic modification
Would have stopped them from going so green

And the deli, the sweets, and the cheeses
The snow white caerphilly and brie
So it's one rocky road and bloody great load
Of that mouldy, squashed cheddar for me!

Well the staff are so helpful and friendly
Well, helping their friends to the drinks
Except for the one that has no friends
Coz she's better than that - so she thinks

It's so cheap it's a wonder you're open
The prices in here are a steal
But when your stock is off-loaded from Safeway
It's going to be a good deal

Crappy Apple

So here's to the Apple of Totnes' eye
I'll drink to your foes far and near
For I'll drink to just about anything
But not with your out of date beer.

V.H.