|
Saturday, February 17, 2001
Today is very definitive. Even the way I'm typing is definitive. Emre peaced on me last night to get toked with his buddies. Well, in actuality, he called me, blazed off his ass first and then asked if maybe we could get together the next day. I thought that was a good idea. Yesterday I did nothing but stay at home. And clean. I get the cleaning bug and there's just no stopping me. (Until I get sidetracked or hungry.) I always unearth the weirdest things in my room. Like my dad's tools,(hammers and screwdrivers and such) or old photos that could be used for blackmail should I ever become rich/famous. My room is actually really cool, but I have so much freaking crap that you have to burrow under several layers of pre-mesazoic crud to reach the carpet. I'm kind of hesitant to sit in it now, like my very presence will sully it's shiny exterior. (This has been known to happen.) So, instead of hanging out with Emre (or Moonuck, who was scared of the slush-ridden roads) I sat up all night writing in my journal. I'm kind of sheepish to admit it, but I was inspired by the movie Cruel Intentions. Okay, not the actual movie,(which was borderline pretentious and mildly entertaining) but Ryan Phillipe, who keeps this neat kind of journal where he pastes pictures and draws stuff all over the pages and makes charts and what not. Inspired, I decided that my journal-writing needs to be more interactive. I always paste movie stubs and magazine cutouts and photos in it now. I want a bigger one, though. The pages are too little. Maybe I'll make a trip to the craft store to try and find one. Those bitches are expensive!
I don't know why I keep inserting explitives in strange places.
Perhaps I need more sleep.
posted by
Anemone Ra at 12:35 PM
Friday, February 16, 2001
Well, it starting snowing here last night around nine o' clock...right after I busted my ass and wrote three essays straight (note whiny diatribe located below.) The perk? Today is Friday. Our mid-winter break starts next Monday. All three crappy essays aren't due until a week from then. Ah, what a life. What a life. Track starts that day, too. I'm kind of concerned, because my hyperextended elbow still hasn't healed, and my knees is still messed up from running into that wall. (Don't ask.) Emre and I are probably going to hang out tonight...which means we will hang out at his house, play video games, watch "When Good Pets Go Bad," "When Chefs Attack," or some variation on that theme. Emre is intensely fond of those horrible "COPS" shows. He also likes "Random Car Explosions." He's actually seen a show called "World's Greatest Speeding Tickets" or something hysterically humorous. Then, of course, we'll snog like sheep with mad-cow's disease. I think we've zoomed right past the PG-13 rating. We're somewhere in the naughty Nova region. Okay, no where near it. But you get the idea. Peace. I'm out. I'll be "in" later.
posted by
Anemone Ra at 4:29 PM
Thursday, February 15, 2001
Well, Valentine's day was yesterday. It was anticlimactic and beautiful. I got a rose from Emre. Dear heart. My life is currently in an "in-between" stage. I don't know where I'm going. Academically, it's been the Week From A Special Sort of Hell. Tomorrow, I will turn in three essays (which I have just finished) to the ever-selective Mr. Syzmeon, four literary commentaries to Mrs. Jones, take one exam in Advanced Algebra, and another in Botany Zoology. I imagine that by the end of the day, I will be a frazzled, nervous wreck; or maybe I'll give up on the whole thing. Turn in nothing. Take no quizzes...or prisoners. Become a beacon of light and acheive peaceful oneness with my bone-headed peers...perhaps we can exchange makeup tips or precious gossip...
I just spent seven straight hours (no joke) working on three biographical essays, all of which, undoubtedly sound piecey and scattered. I did allow some time for bathroom-breaking and food consumption, but my vocabulary is entirely exhausted, and in a few mintes I'm going to start using only a string of monosyllabic grunts to communicate my desires with the outside world. When I stare at the computer screen for too long, it feels like the keyboards is tiliting under my typing hands. Truly a disorienting and slightly nauseating experience. Good night, world. I'm going to go find some Valium.
posted by
Anemone Ra at 9:04 PM
Monday, February 12, 2001
Oh, my good sweet Jesus. I've come unhinged. I'm of trying desperately hard not to become one of those snidely affected teenage-angst cases who write bad poetry about their dark world and immerse themselves in melancholy and severe drug abuse. Even though I've only drank a few times, (due to some rather scary district rules about sports and drinking) I sometimes believe that the users of psychoactive drugs are onto something. Perhaps one really does transcend this realm into the ethereal. Maybe God really does live in water coolers and fire hydrants, and maybe the sky is really a giant egg yolk. Something about the tenacity of reality...lately I've been feeling it's grip quite tightly. Maybe I'll start festering and go quietly insane, or grow wings and float off into the sunset like some cosmic butterfly. One just can't tell anymore, you know.
I've developed a grudging dislike for all things Caoimhin. It's so much easier to remember all the big bad crimes your ex-signficiant has committed when he's three (or more!) states away and engaging in frat-like behavior with his elitist cross-country running team who perpetually moan about their injuries, ice their shins, and drink gatorade. (True story.) I've been poetically inspired of late, as well, perhaps it's this newfound distaste manifesting and working itself out in a literary fashion. The best pain spawns the best work, I suppose. Hell, happy stories have trouble holding me attention. I'm a Gen-"Y"-er. I need SENSATIONALISM. Media OVERLOAD here, people. I'm going to sit in front of the television and cram myself with so much useless knowledge that I go into epileptic shock and pass out from fits of overstimulation.
And Valentines Day...whoa. I'm still not sure what going on with Emre, and I'm hoping that he won't a)shower me with huge, "romantic" embaressing gifts b)forget about V-Day entirely, greeting me only with a blank stare, or c)freak out and demand that we get married. I'm hoping of something along the lines of d), a tasteful card or weird little gift which shows just how well he knows me.
While I appreciate the effort, (being the callous ungrateful bitch that I am,) I really feel awkward recieving said "romantic" gifts...chocolates, teddy bears (yak), balloons, you know. (I am, however, a HUGE sucker for flowers. HUGE. I don't know why! Maybe it's the whole instinctual "flowers are the reproductive organs of plants therefore I symbolize my fertility and your fertility joining together by giving you this lovely bouquet" thing that sets my little hormones running amok in the candy isle (so to speak) or maybe it's just because no one ever gives me flowers. I think my whole deal is that since this is the "holiday of love", such gifts should be personal and well thought out, not necessarily of the chocolate or red variety. I always thought ingenuity was WAY more sexy than ridiculous stuffed animals. They always seem so...stuffed. You know? Even though they're generally polyester, I feel like the manly man has killed a bear cub for our children to eat. Playing on the whole instinctual thing.
And THEN there's my black-widow-mating-ritual theory. You all know it. Where the male black widow *natch* wants to get it on and fertilize some eggs already, but the female black widow isn't so into it. You know, maybe she feels that she wants to wait until they're married. But the male, in the traditional Valentine's spirit, has forseen this and has decided to distract her with a beautiful dead fly that he bought on sale at Walgreen's for $5.99. So, being hungry, our friend the female spider eats the delectable fly, feeling kind of flattered at all the attention, and lets the male do the fertilizing. Then, when she realizes she's been duped, she up and eats the male, but only if he was stupid enough to hang around too long.
Maybe it's needs a little refinement, but I think I've made the point. The whole "I'm making a gesture for you/if I don't buy you something, you'll be pissed, huh?" thing. So, as to avoid being a hypocrite and what not, I've made Emre a very tasteful and artistic card, with Japanese characters written on it; some are for his name, some for mine, and in between it says "Happy Valentine's Day!" It's really very cool. I'm wondering, in light of our recent semi-involvement, if I should have purchased something, but I suppose that would be hypocritical to my whole "heartfelt-gift" crusade. Ah,well...
Evil Nazi Sister is repossessing the computer. Hopefully love will alight with swift wings. Bon nuit, world. Have a good one.
posted by
Anemone Ra at 10:10 PM
Sunday, February 11, 2001
Here's a letter I wrote to my Uncle Quid recently. Enjoy.
Howdy. How�s the uncle? And the Delphine? I am concerned that this missive won't make its way to you, what with my earlier attempts having failed and what not. Also, your computer is sick and running a temperature...which makes me curious...did you ever figure out what was ailing it?
I think my mom might have snail-mailed you the paper I wrote on you. Have you received it yet? Did she actually send it yet? (This I�ll ask her myself.) If you want me to try and send it to you again (via e-mail), just say the word.
Recently, life has been surprisingly strange. Not bad, per se, just different. Caoimhin and I broke up right before he left. (Beginning of January.) This is somewhat of a sore spot for me. You see, when I say, "right before he left" I actually mean "he broke up with me 45 minutes before his plane took off." Ouch. Also, I was under the misimpression that everything was fine and dandy. Honestly, you may think it's a little stupid, like "oh, you must have had SOME idea", but no. We were rolling fairly smoothly.
This was a rather painful transition for me to go through. The bulk of all the explanatory nonsense had to take place via long-distance phone calls, which were as confusing and vague as they were awkward and painful. Not to mention rather expensive and emotionally taxing. The bulk of his reasoning lay somewhere along the lines of "my life is no longer in Seattle...it's too hard to maintain a relationship long-distance..." things that weren't at all shocking but disappointing in that his reasons were all things that we had confronted and conquered, previously. Truly a disappointment. We remain "friends."
(And I think he secretly expects me to "wait" for him until we can resume our relationship this summer as though nothing happened, but that right there is what I call "a very stupid misconception." Maybe it's just me, but I don't like handing out second chances. There are always ugly grudges and unhealthy expectations and a bunch of bull pahooey at work. The whole "45 minutes prior to departure" just rubbed me the wrong way, I guess; the whole thing does not reek of respect or equal stomping grounds.)
Of course, I suppose all this was for the better. It�s not too healthy to chain yourself to someone, especially at such a young age. And it really made me step back and look at a lot of things, for instance my apparent dependency on Caoimhin, semi-loss of identity, and neglect of important friendships. I�m hurt, but I think that I�ve developed more as a person (and all that nonsense) and realized that a relationship has to be about two people, not just one. And that's what it was, really, and I only realized it after it ended, which is kind of a shame. Such a revelation could have not only saved the stupid thing, but it may have ended it before it became unnecessarily long and drawn out.
(Besides, I find that my creative energies are greater when I�m not in a relationship or at a point of emotional...stagnation.)
Wrestling season is at an end...thanking god. I love wrestling, but you must understand that it a sport that demands a good deal of you. Time, energy, pure weight, physical happiness, and a 75% chance of injury. (Minor.) Next comes track season, which is a nice break from the demanding rigors of wrestling. Can�t wait fer pole-vaultin'...
(Ah yes. Thank you and Delphine for your cosmic prayers during my wrestling tourney...I took 2nd, but it was a victory enough in my eyes.)
Lately, I�ve been focusing pretty hardcore on my writing. I have a really interesting and promising English assignment: I have to make a literary portfolio about the concept of "individuality." It proves to be very interesting...I shall try and send you a copy of it when it's done, but the assignment itself is due in two months and worth about 20% of my overall grade. I�ll keep you posted. So far I have amassed about five poems that I�ve written and four that I haven't. Maybe I can send you some?
I took my friend Emre to our semi-formal tolo (a semi-formal "dress-up" dance where the girl asks the guy.) Emre liked me a whole bunch last year, I guess, but that's when I was with Caoimhin. He�s a pretty cool cat; kind of a bad-ass (I think this would irk you in leagues) but a valuable friend and understanding person. Emre�s also fiercely intelligent, something that people find surprising because of his bad-ass street exterior. (�Bad-ass�, by the way, does NOT mean that he robs banks or deals drugs.) He�s very funny, with an appreciative sense of humor and quirky sense of timing.
He�s also German, speaks it fluently, and visits his mother in Charlotteburg, Germany every summer. Very well traveled, too; I think he�s been around a good portion of Europe. He�s also introduced me to some very addictive and talent-rich German rap (don�t laugh, please, it�s good stuff.) I think "something" may be developing between us, but I�m ready to take things at an extremely slow pace, given the nature of my all-too-recent un-involvement. I�m enjoying being my own person, not someone else�s.
Well, that's all I can cram into one e-mail, but rest assured; more long-winded diatribes await you...that is, if your server is working at long last. Write me back, por favor. Tell me how life is. Give Koya a little-kitterwall pat from me.
Bon dieu (wink) mon "uncle",
-RA
P.S. thank you for the fascinating article about photography...i have experimented with the rayograph concepts, but it was interest and inspiring nonetheless...gave me some good ideas, too. Good night! -R |
posted by
Anemone Ra at 4:22 PM
|
