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Saturday, March 10, 2001
I wrote this down last night. It's a bit disjointed, but surprisingly clear, given the circumstances.I�m drunk. And writing this down for posterity. What a fucking night. I haven�t drunken in like, let�s see�almost a year or so. So this is me, six beers later. I�ve never drank more than like, 2 and � beers at a time. Seriously. It was me and Martecus, and he went to Shosty�s house (which is like, the beer stash) picked up some brew, and headed to Blueful Park, where we kissed. It was pretty smooth. Martecus is pretty smooth, if you know what I mean. It didn�t take me much convincing, though, I�d had a secret eye on him for more than a long time. More of that, later.
Six beers? Why? Because Jordan likes the phrase �Race me.� And I was ready to get drunk. So maybe I�m not inoperable, but I�m definitely feeling it. Jordan was about 12 beers deep, and still in driving condition. That boy has no liver.
So tonight, after a pretty fucking frustrating time, I decided, hell, I want to get out, I want to fucking do something. And since Caoimhin, Moonhuck, Nova, and Sister all ditched me, and Taylor was up visiting friends at Western, I said, hell, I�m gonna call Jordan.
Something you have to understand about Jordan: Nova hates him. (Because: she broke into his car her freshman year and stole some soccer jerseys so that her and this other girl could�wear them for a yearbook picture or something stupid. She thinks he�s an asshole because he slapped her for doing it. Fuck, I would have slapped her.) Moonhuck hates him out of principle (for Nova) but refuses to get gritty because she wants to get on Gemini, whom I have some interesting revelations about, later.
(Things are blurry, and shifty. When I move my head quickly, it takes a while for everything to settle in.)
Jordan actually attends my church every now and then, because his grandpaps goes there, so we�re actually acquainted with each other. We�ve known each other for a while, but I never really talked to him much. I understand that he liked me, and wanted to ask me to homecoming or something, but that never happened. Nova is still all stupid about him, but right now, I couldn�t really fucking care what she thinks.
So I�ve always had this automatic dislike for Jordan, but since Nova�s been treating me like shit-scraped-off-of-a-shoe recently, and since Jordan actually doesn�t seem like a bad guy, all of the resolve kind of dissolved, even before I was/am drunk. Maybe it was the fact that she�s kind of �stolen� Moonhuck from me (harsh truth: they�re closer than me and Moonhuck are; it�s kind of a personal blow.) Anyway, Nova holds a grudge better than I do, and that�s really saying something because I can remember punks who made fun of me in the fucking first grade. How�s that�I�m rambling. Anyway, my regard for Nova has, unfortunately, dropped a notch or two. It�s all about NOT FUCKING CARING. I�m so sick of being everyone�s bitch. Why can�t I be about me? Why is that so fucking incorrect? So what if I had a good time with Jordan? Why do they feel like they have to tell me that I�m compromising my morals?
So anyways. Jordan caught me on the way out to my car after school today to ask me to go to Luke�s party tonight. (Poor Luke who is currently passed out and drooling on his bed.) I said, mmm�dunno. I probably have something else going on (Caoimhin/Moonhuck/Nova/Emre/Sister/Homework), but write your number down, I�ll call you if I can go.
As soon as Caoimhin ditched me, I realized that, hey, Jordan really isn�t that bad of a guy, and he�s nice to me. The only standards that I need to have are my own. Granted, he was my last option, but I like him, and his friends are fun to hang around. They�re not all pissy and shit, like girls are (we all know it�s true), and I was kind of stoked to hang out with Gemini.
Wanna hear the story?
Gemini and I were pretty good friends, if you know what I mean, at the beginning of track season last year. It seemed like he was interested in me; he was always asking me to his friends� parties and taking me to soccer games and what not. He even let me drive his car. It�s this big almost-truck power rugged terrain vehicle. I fishtailed out, but that�s another story for a sober Ra. I thought, but wasn�t quite sure, that he was interested in me. He asked me to hang out with him and what not. So we went to give Moonhuck a ride home, and then ended up hanging out with him at her house. I ate a whole bunch, we all ran around the house, and at one point, Moonhuck and I somehow confiscated his pants and belt. It was cool. Then, I raided the fridge, and Moonhuck jumped up on him.
The version I heard tonight? Very interesting. Gemini was very candid; alcohol loosens the tongue, as you can probably tell by my sordid ramblings here. According to him, he liked me a whole bunch, thought I was cool, had a nice body. And he was planning on taking me out to �movie and dinner� before he left to visit his brother in college. (I was under the impression that we were both bored and looking for something to do. Silly me.) And he thought I shoved Moonhuck onto him. According to him, she took advantage of him, and I�m almost inclined to believe it, not just because I�m buzzed, but it seems like she was always more into him than he was into her. And I knew he kind of liked me; it infuriated Caoimhin to no end. He hates Gemini, which is funny because he pretends that it�s because of this �aura� he supposedly emits, but I�m pretty damn sure that it�s because he was jealous and afraid that I would hook up with Gemini, and not him. And Gemini, (told me tonight) that he was aware that he was getting me before Caoimhin could. To quote Holden Caulfield, who I am slowly becoming, �it nearly killed me.� I thought he had maybe a flitting interest in me.
Thing is: Moonhuck is still all hung up over him and what not. They made out at a dance when Gemini was drunk as fuck, and she thinks these two events hold some kind of significance. Unfortunately, as I�ve discovered tonight, they don�t. He wanted me. And I�m not just saying that. I�m in no state of mind to just say �anything.� Too much effort. I�m busy drinking water in order to avoid a massive hangover tomorrow morning. I don�t get out much, and I drink even less, so six beers for me is like an entire frat party in your mouth. The most I�ve drank before was beers I had with Marty, which was a good three times less than I�ve had tonight. And she�s always talking about him. Before, she would talk about him NONSTOP, for a good three hours on end. I�d have to clap her over the head with a board before she shut up, it got so bad. But I�m hoping it was only a physical infatuation, and she�ll get over him. I�d hate to tell her, �Hey. All that stuff that happened? Well, he wanted me. He was scared of you/drunk.� This is the kind of shit that I can never tell Moonhuck or Nova. She�d flip! She�d want to blame me, but knew that she couldn�t and hold it inside and hate me. It would fester. I know Moonhuck. She�s a festerer if I ever saw one.
Damn. Wonder what would have happened if we had gotten together. Very, very strange thought.
Poor Luke vomited, and passed out hugging the porcelain. This one guy and I watched over him for a little bit, then hoisted him up the stairs into a bed, and made sure that he was kept a careful eye on. We had to feed him bread and water. That dude was fucked. I�ve never seen anyone that drunk before in my life. Seriously.
Looking back, I had like, really good conversations with Jordan and Gemini, both who insist that I should �go drinking� with them more often. Offer�s kind of tempting, you know. It might happen. But I�ll never look at Jordan (or Gemini) the same way again. I think it�s time for me to go to bed.
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Well. I almost feel it a necessity to run a commentary on that bit. But that may detract from the alcohol induced clarity. It's eight in the morning now. Perhaps Caoimhin and I will do something today...hah hah hah. (Ironic laughter follows.) I'll be back.
Peace.
posted by
Anemone Ra at 8:27 AM
Friday, March 09, 2001
Okay. Quick note. Ran into Caoimhin at school. It was very weird. Apparently he left his comp with his roomie. Whatever. He came to our track practice, and then said "let's do something tonight." In a typical fashion, he ditched me when his mom invited his friend over. Why does everything have to be tricky? It's a bitch. I can ALMOST blame him completely. Ih. Moonhuck peaced on me. I'm really feeling like a third wheel, like everything that comes out of my mouth is inane, stupid, and should be remedied by poking me with hot, burning sticks. I was going to go to a 16+ dance club (yeah, I know) with my sister and her friend, but she's holed up in her room, and not "feeling like going out." Pssh. So Caoimhin peaced, Moonhuck too, Sister et Friend, and all my options left are: Emre (who hasn't returned my page and is most likely getting toked) , Taylor, and Jordan, who is all right. Jordan is this popular-type guy who's "in" with all the big people, and decided that I'm something special. He's always seemed kind of preppy sleeze, if that makes sense, but not in the way that I know I couldn't beat him up. Jordan invited me to this guy's party tonight. I'm going to end up calling him if I can't get ahold of Taylor. Grr...I feel quite a bit like Holden Caulfield right now. Quite a bit, goddamit. More later, no doubt.
posted by
Anemone Ra at 8:09 PM
Thursday, March 08, 2001
Hello, friends. That sounded creepy.
Anyhoodle. It's today, obviously, Caoimhin hasn't yet called me, and, very strangely, his icon is appearing on my instant messenger, with his status set to "Away." Either he is here and online, or there and online, or, he is here, his computer is there, and his friend is using the internet. Hm. Calls for speculation. He probably wasn't able to catch a plane out. I don't think he would leave his computer at the University. Kind of unlike him. So I'm going to guess that is what happened. Still it's very, very odd. I'm harboring mixed emotions about this whole "coming home" business. A really sick part of me wants him to come back so I can look at him. (Not meaning to sound dodgy or anything.) Then a nice, sweet, friendly part of me wants him to come back so we can chat like the "pals" we are. And then the mean, spiteful sort of Ra wants him to stay the hell away, that dirty, evil bastard.
Which one?
No doubt, things are going to be awkward. However, I have written a poem appropriate for the occasion. When I get my lazy ass in gear, I'll type the damn thing up and everything will be spandiforistic. Speaking of spores, I need to study for my botany/zoology quiz tomorrow. (Fancy name for slightly-advanced-bio, nothing really impressive has come along yet.)
I wiped out today in the pole-vault while test-driving a different pole. I de-skinned one side of my elbow, and removed a chunk of myself from the ankle bone (which really, really sucks, folks.) I managed to land in the box, which is a place where poles belong, not sweet pieces of ass like myself. It had kind of rained before, and the whole place is kind of groady, so I was covered in a gross, like, black oil slick-type mess. It was cool. Interestingly enough, I did really well post-traumatic incident. I'm off to "go do something constructive" with myself. Peace.
posted by
Anemone Ra at 9:15 PM
Wednesday, March 07, 2001
Last night Levi deposited the turntable and mixer. After an extended period of jubilation, I floated back down and realized: My speakers are shit.
I have no input cable for my CD player.
I have no headphones.
I have no vinyl (aside from my dad's rather rancid collection of 1970's not-quite-power groups)
I only have one turntable.
This, however, didn't keep me from being excited. It's neat. My room is in shambles from all the re-organizing and what not, but let me tell you! Wow. Anyhoo. I went out, bought the cables/headphones, and purchased two vinyl records, two of the sparse electronica collection at my local LP supplier. Strangely, the only thing that they seem to be interested in is CRUNCH ROCK. I say CRUNCH ROCK because it's all the kind of stuff that NEEDS TO BE CAPITALIZED. Well, I'm off to whisper sweet nothings to my sound deck. Good night, world. Ah yes. Caoimhin tomorrow, maybe. Interesting, interesting. Peace.
posted by
Anemone Ra at 9:14 PM
Tuesday, March 06, 2001
Interesting thing happened this morning. I recieved an e-mail from Caoimhin. Caoimhin never, ever writes e-mails, aside from the random chain-letter. It was odd. What was odd? Well, that and another thing: the content. Check this out: Hey Kiddo,
I'm feeling ignored. I try to write to say hi on the IM and the message can't be recieved as if i'm bieng blocked or something then you go off line. What's the deal? You don't want to talk to me now. Maybe it was just the fickle nature of the cyberworld but it still seems strange. Plus the last time we talked you took off in a jiffy without even saying goodbye. Anyway I hope your doing well. I think i'm coming home for the weekend, probably thursday to monday so if you could pencil me in that would be excellent. Well goodnight and talk to you later...i hope.
Caoimhin
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What is that? That's very strange. This is a very, very strange situation. I'm getting a serious mind-fuck, here. I guess it's the handicap of hearing "I'm breaking up with you" and interpreting it as "I don't want to be with you"/ "Wait for me, would you?"Generally, the two are synonamous. Wanna hear my response? Sure you do.
And here I thought that I was being ignored. I think you may be referring to a particular instance where Evil Nazi sister was commandeering the computer, and more than likely she was pissed at me. You can fill in the blanks. I figured you were always busy because every single time I'd IM you I'd get OP, and then I'd feel like an idiot. No matter.
I didn't say goodbye? How rude of me. I'm sorry. (No saracasm.) Anyways, yeah, it'll be cool to see you. Are you coming this weekend? The track team is a mess, that is, except for the distance runners. They have a good coach. Ours is an idiot. That seems to be a catch phrase here. He was like, "blah blah, you need to skip your p-vaulting workout so you can do some long jump." I grumbled, said, yeah, okay, whatever, and went to work out with them. We sat around for a whole fucking hour and intermittedly took jumps off of a big white box, but get this: he didn't even let us take our steps. He was all like, "start from this general region of the runway." SMACK! Grr! So that's an hour of my life that I can't get back, and I'm pretty pissed about it.
Let's see...Emre gave me some German rap that's really cool. Sounds stupid, but you'll probably like it. "Cruetzfeld und Jakob" if you wanna look it up, but otherwise good stuff. What's Jordy's bands' name? All I can remember is the "CMC" part of it...and that don't do me NO good.
Peace.
Ra
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Jesus Christ. What a bunch of bull-pahooey. For some reason, my conscious (yes, consiousnotconscience) is having a problem processing the fact that I should tell him that I'm with Emre. I have this feeling that Caoimhin will mold an immaculate pissiness, or a surprise, followed by a quick detachment. That, or actually remain friends with me, but I'm guessing that it's rather unlikely, hm? Ran into Levi at school. He said he'd drop the stuff by tonight, but I kind of doubt that. I'm going to run upstairs and call him. I have these incredible MIXING URGES, people. I'm going insane. My life sucks. My friends are shit. I'm really getting an unpleasant vibe from Nova. Her and Moonhuck seem to be in on it together. You know, just it. That thing that makes me feel like I'm listening into a conversation when I used to always be the default included. Whatever. I hate girls. They're stupid.
And I'm also fairly sure that I got (optimistically) a D on my history test today. "Oh, I don't need to read the chapter...that's for smart people!"
posted by
Anemone Ra at 8:04 PM
Monday, March 05, 2001
Pole-vaulting is going extremely well. I love it. It's gotten to the point where I stay after practice until the coach tells me I'm tired. (Reality:"You're tired." "No, I'm not." "Yes, you are. Go home.") So that's fun. The sprinting/jumping coach is an idiot, though, and I sorely dislike him. No matter. My sister is being an evil Nazi again. Must remain objective...my fingers are getting itchy for Levi's turntable and mixer...you have no idea how agonizing the wait is...I never see him, and he's kind of a big dumb boy at school. By that I mean that he's a complete asshole around his "too-cool-for-thou" friends. Unfailingly. These godlike compadres like classic rock, modern rock, hard rock, rock, rock, rock. And I think when Levi started associating with them, he developed the opinion that techno (and consequently mixing) was for pansy-ass fairies who didn't sleep with Auto America beside them in bed at night and have orgasms over the sound of a solid V-6. (Or an extensive collection of trash-can salvaged porno, but you didn't hear it from me...) However dire the situation, you must realize that I'm at Levi's dumb-boy mercy until I pass off the 50 and he gives up the goods. Don't get me wrong. I love Levi to death. I just wish he weren't such a Young Republican on his way to becoming an auto mechanic (and weekend beer boy/fishing fanatic.) Some things are just inevitable, though. Oh, but I want that set...I was thinking about investing in my own, but I lack the funds. DJ-ing is an expensive hobby. But it would be so fun. I feel like a wannabe. I know what you're thinking: she'll become disenchanted with it. It will suck. But COME ON.
One thing: money. Why is it such a source of problems? I guess I can safely say that I've never been in want for it, but then again, what's the point of treating it like a god? If I want to buy some ridiculously expensive equipment, why would I want to spend it on "something more useful"? If I wanted something useful, dammit, I'd go out and buy me a freaking can-opener. Otherwise, I guess it's "wait for summer job to pull through" and then purchase. Or I could go on e-bay...hm...interesting...
posted by
Anemone Ra at 8:30 PM
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