I had an interesting...chat with Boyden today. (He's this huge, muscly distance runner whose arms are about the size of my legs. He's also the most perverted foo this side of the Rockies, but that's another story.) As we were leaving the stretching gym (during track practice) to head on outside, he said, "You should have heard all the nice things that Caoimhin was saying about you yesterday. He's still madly in love with you."
I stopped dead in my tracks. "What?"
"Yeah, yesterday after we ran, we just sat around and talked for a bunch. I don't know why, but he really opened up to me."
Apparently, if Boyden isn't lying, Caominhin is still madly in love with me, he thinks that I'm his soulmate, and he knows we'll get back together if it was meant to be. Sounds kind of trivial when I sum it up like that, but hell. What is going on?
Heavy shit. He said this! To Boyden! What the fuck! I don't even know! We talked on the phone last night, and it was really obvious that he felt the need to apologize for breaking up with me. It was depressing. I don't know what to do. I was already to go on and get the hell over him, but now this...jesus. I'm out.
posted by
Anemone Ra at 6:32 PM
What a day. Caoimhin called me, and after I finished pulling a Cinderella for my mom, we went dowtown and cruised around Broadway for fun. We actually had a really good conversation, and I no longer feel hate. Granted, I'm not pleased, but he's a person who's having problems too. I was kind of surprised to hear him talk so candidly about how hard he tries to make people like him, and how important it is for him to be accepted. He said he felt out of place no matter where he was. Ah, a kindred spirit. We never really got a chance to talk about us, (or Emre, for that matter.) I told him about the friend situation, and he said he didn't understand why I wasn't more go-get um; "you're such a dynamic person" he said. "Everyone who meets you is drawn to you."
What about you?
It was a very reflective experience. He can really get me talking, you know, trying to explain myself in instances which I usually would have given up even making an attempt. And that bastard can argue more stubbornly than a three legged stool with a bad disposition. Man. He was talking about all these things that happen with his friends at school, and things that have gone wrong, his family, everything.
What about me?
I think he got the point. "My situation," I said, "Is that I crave two things: a constantly changing world (one where I can experience everything), and a stronghold, you know, at least one permanent thing I can always count on." He nodded. "Trouble is, I got one of them. Fuck, I'm not the same person that I was a month ago, let alone a day." "Minutes," he agreed. "So I have my constant-world-shifting. But every time I put trust and dependence into something or someone-" "They end up letting you down."
"Right." His face kind of fell into a sad, speculative expression. "I have to depend on myself before I can depend on anyone else."
The afternoon left me feeling kind of melancholy and empty. I gave him a hug, and he watched me start my car and drive away home with a big tear on my side. I think we're going to get together tomorrow afternoon, but we'll have to see who's available that he can ditch me for.
Tonight was another cheesy dance. I had fun, you know, shlotted it up with everyone, got goosed by the coaches' dirty son, Jerek. What a kid. Cute, too, but dirty as all hell. One of those "clean cut" sort. Ten bucks he's a sexual closet deviant.
His dad is this macho beer-swigging "don't-get-er-pregant-son" kind of guy. Nice dude, but very very macho. So I goosed him back. Heh. Saw Jordan (drunk) and Gemini. Conchita was there, and she kept following me, I swear, it was so disconcerting. I screamed and ran away at one point. Real mature, yeah, I know.
I'm actually starting to get pissed about this whole Nova thing. I'm convinced that she hates me. It's very weird. I asked Moonhuck what she was doing after the dance, and she did this bright bubbly chatty thing about breaking Nova out of her house arrest. Bottom line: Usually, when she's going somewhere, and I don't have any plans, she'll invite me along, but it was pretty clear that I wasn't coming invited. I mean, talk about fucking weird, I swear. Maybe I'm just inept. I feel like the worlds hugest loser.
I feel empty, still. There is something missing. What's going on? I'm going to sleep on it. This is fucking weird.
posted by
Anemone Ra at 12:06 AM
