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Saturday, April 07, 2001
I�m so damn sick of sitting in this desk day after day watching the same cars and trees and houses cycle themselves through the grainy phases of weather the same red roof the same phone lines all through the same damn window the exact number of bricks riots as the teacher talks about numbers and logic and
tragic things which can be reduced to three apathetic sound bites, saying
over and over again: �so we know��
we don�t know anything, darling
I want to say, but don�t because that would mean they
would really force me back in I could strap myself down until
the overhead projector burned matrices into my eyes
the decrepit pipe showed metal tissue and decayed exoskeleton
wrapped in athletic tape and graffitied with ballpoint pens and disinterested minds
"who gives a fuck?" it asks me, and then says "I love Keegan"
no one is willing to sacrifice anything anymore
I want to, but can�t find anything
worth putting my time into
posted by
Anemone Ra at 12:41 PM
Thursday, April 05, 2001
Ah yes: Check out Disinformation for some cool ish. And Joshy: fuck tha police. Hope you feel better.
posted by
Anemone Ra at 8:28 PM
What a day, what a day. As I type this, my fingers are so numb that it takes me ten minutes to complete one sentence. I just got back from my track meet, and it was MISERABLE. To start off with, Seattle weather was at it's finest, and by that I mean it was raining, it was windy, and it was like, fifty below. (Slight exaggeration.) And to top it off, our track uniforms must have been designed by nudists in Jamaica. They're about as thick as tissue paper. (And just about as forgiving.) I have just regained feeling of my feet. We did well, but that was only because the school we were competing against had ten-twenty people to our, like, eighty plus. So we pretty much blew them out of the water. Gemini was there. Unfortunately, I have developed a fixation on him. I must come to terms with it. This sucks because: Nova messed around with him her freshman year, and last year, when he was trying to get with me, Moonhuck jumped all over him. And now, I sense chemistry, and it's a bad situation because I'm never around Emre enough to actually develop any strong emotions for him, i.e. attachments which might prevent me from jumping Gemini. Emre's just a fun guy, and I can't tell how much he's into me, something I'm usually fairly good at. Frustration abounds. It sucks because I know that I want to break up with him when he leaves for Germany this summer, and it's like I've already broken up with him in my head. So for now, Gemini and I are only friends, as with me and Jordan, who is not really a dating option anyways. And I think Gemini might still be kind of seeing Jillian, which makes it easier for me (less guilt? how weird) and we can connect in a "friendly" way, which is highly preferable. I think I jumped in too soon with Emre. Now it's like we barely talk anymore. And it's not like we're pawing each other in the hallways, either, it's just kind of boring, but then again, school is boring enough as it is, and tends to extend it's influence onto everything.
Right now, my mom is hosting a book club, and the ladies are drinking wine and giggling uproariously over the word "sex" in one of the novels. These books clubs are all about getting trashed and discussing literature, an interesting combination if you ask me. And the booze loosens the tongues, and everyone gets very interested in me when I make an appearence. My dad is mortally afraid of these gatherings, and exuents stage right about three hours before the event (there must be something in the air; I don't know.)
I watched movie today in history about Vietnam. It's very difficult to watch because just knowing that my dad had to experience those kinds of things, and the emotional toll it must take on you, to see and experience such horrifying things that the only words that can be applied to describe them are cliches of the traumatic...the things it must do to your very soul is unimaginable. Makes my life seem very easy. One thing that he said to me which really stuck in my mind was when he was describing the public reaction to Vietnam; "It was such a shame," he said, shaking his head, "to go to war and experience all these horrible, unbelievable things, and be a hero and die a hero, only to return to a country and be met with shame."
It tore right through me.
posted by
Anemone Ra at 8:18 PM
Wednesday, April 04, 2001
Today has been weird. I was up until one last night fighting fiercely with Caoimhin about something stupid (all his fault, no less.) He hates feminists, and well, feminists (myself included) hate him. Not completely, but loathe is involved. Math teacher has been stupid. I want Gemini. Fuck. I'm going to screw myself over. In the beginning of track, Gemini quit for a three week period, and then miraculously returned, much to my content. He said that the only people he can talk to on the team are me (!) and Diego (!). Then he was talking about going swing-dancing with me sometime. That could be fun. Unfortunately, I tend to seduce my swing-dancing partners. Namely Martecus.
I'm trying to be healthy, but eh. What's the point? I just become miserable, hungry, and resentful. I might as well be flabby and happy. For inspiration against exercise, check out this interesting exercise. I need sleeeeeep, people. I'm off.
posted by
Anemone Ra at 6:04 PM
Monday, April 02, 2001
I'm at war. It's Ra vs. the evil math student teacher. Or is it evil student math teacher? Either way, she infuriates me in a way which can only be described as "oppressed anger bubbling to the surface." For some odd reason, my real math teacher let her take over the class. Really. I haven't seen him in a month. She sucks at teaching. Pointe blanke. There's nothing magic there, folks. The textbook has been wrong an average of 16 times per lesson. Veeery interesting that no one more qualified pointed this out sooner. She's all young and dewy-eyed. Tries to be your "buddy" and hard-assed disciplinarian at the same time. Got into teaching for a soul-kick, no doubt. Either that or was good at math, but not good enough to become an engineer. Unfortunately, when she decides that it's time for her to exert her diploma-less authority, that means telling me to put away my headphones, or put away the book and pay attention.
Normally, this wouldn't bother me too much. I can respect that. Unfortunately, she singles me out. And in front of me, Emre and Ryan are straight up passed out, to my left Zachary is reading a magazine, and the three sophomore boys behind me are having a paper football game or something. Riddle me this: if a teacher sucks at teaching, and lets people sleep in her class, but yells at a target student for reading Freud for God's sake, what the FUCK is up with that? I know she's new and all, but Jesus. Let someone else teach the damn class. I despise inconsistent symbolic disciplinarian shit.
So today, I was reading in class. "Ra, do you really want me to take that book away?" What I really want to do is throw it at your head. "I'm not learning anything." Quietly. She grimaced? Frowned? Smirked? I don't know. "Maybe you would if you paid attention." I pay shit for attention and I'm still getting a fucking A out of this class. "Guess I should just go to sleep, then," I said, looking pointedly around me. Zachary stashed his magazine. Emre and Ryan twitched. Evil Student Teacher returns her attention to the meaningless scribbles gracing the overhead transparency.
So what does this mean? I'm not quite sure, but all I know is that I have to win. And this means:
1) I have to teach myself the math, sans teacher. I have to know the material, I have to know it good. Otherwise she wins.
2) I have to fuck off in class. Sleeping is not an option. I was thinking about reading cheap trashy books until she confiscates them all, (easily purchasable at a Value Village) but I'd like to not waste my time. I'm going to go with writing and drawing instead.
3) I cannot obviously embaress her in front of the class. That's not the goal. The goal: winning against oppression. Sure, it's sad, but it's a moral battle and those are interesting. Math class is frightfully dull. Do the math. Yack.
4) I realize that this will probably end in stalemate or expulsion.
I'm so tired...I hate daylight savings time in the spring.
Ah yes? The reason I'm rebelling against authority? My teenage alarm clock is ringing. Also, we're watching movies about the black revolution, which have inspired me. When I'm old, I'll think back to this, and then laugh so hard I have a heart attack and collapse in the midst of my strained bananas.
Joshey: thanks for the letter. I'm hanging in there.
My experience has taught me: most people ARE assholes!
You were hard to come by.
posted by
Anemone Ra at 7:46 PM
Sunday, April 01, 2001
For those of you unfamiliar with the imaginative world of Max Cannon, consider this: how could you not love a man who titles his comix with things like "the glistening globules of glee"? For those of us with a sick sense of humor, check it out.
posted by
Anemone Ra at 7:59 PM
What a...quiet weekend. No drunken brawls, no homework procrastination, no interesting squabbles or world-shaking revelations...although I have just started "Freud: Conflict and Culture" and that, my friends, is a good read. Shit. Wow. What a mind. I wish I could put all my philosophizing into such poignant and tender prose...not saying I've made any revelations about the psychosexual relations between a man and his mother, but still. One can only attempt at such an honest manner. Makes my writing look like pig poop. Ah, well. I'm feeling crappy about my appearance, and I feel even crappier for caring. Teenage angst, blah blah blah. Disaffection, blah blah blah. Emre's been sick all weekend, so I haven't had any "you-look-fine" nooky. Heh heh. Josheroo: if you read this, please, write me a letter. I'm feeling stoopid and need a bit of intellectual stimulus that does not have to do with phallus and hidden meanings. However interesting those subjects may be.
Peace, world.
Get it?
posted by
Anemone Ra at 7:52 PM
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