Interesting things have transgressed.
For one, Moonhuck has jumped down the pants of said former love interest Ekevu over spring break. In all honesty, I can't blame her. The boy is a freaking piece of meat. It was kind of weird, but I'm not too upset, even though I never got a piece. I mean, you go girl. Get on down his pants. But it's making her be excessively nice to me, you know, if I'm "sensitive" about the whole issue. Yeah, sensitive as Novacained gum. My marked sensitivity is busy being drained into areas which are of a little more impendingness. Yes, I realize that I have unwittingly added a questionable word to my vocabulary. Whatever. Here's where the thumb-freshly-slammed-with-a-hammer sensitivity comes in:
Humility has been restored to me. Caoimhin sent me a very well writ letter that explained the situation very thoroughly. I'm going to bow out of this conundrum early. It's a very bittersweet thing, realize. The letter was an 8k, mind you. That's pretty damn long. Here's an excerpt.
...there is absolutely nothing about us I didn't want. When I was with you I felt as if i could do anything, I could say anything and I was incredibly happy. The problem is I can't be with you but for a small portion of my life. That and that alone is why I ended things with you. The reason I did it the way I did is that I was a fool. I tried so hard to stifle any thoughts like that in the fall that i got used to it. I was a rock, nothing could make me doubt my relationship. No matter how many times people told me of the disaster's they faced, I was determined to keep any negative thoughts from surfacing. After New Years I couldn't keep it in any more. I had to deal with how I truly felt. The conclusion I came to was to end things with you. I'm sorry I didn't tell you earlier, but if I did I don't believe I would have gone through with it. Just looking at you made me want to keep trying, but what was I even going to try for? Getting through until summer, then until christmass and so on with no end in sight? I was a coward and i'm sorry...
I mean to some degree I will always be in love with you romantically and I will always love you completely in a platonic sense. The reason I told you about Jennifer, was to let go of as much of the romantic love I feel for you as I can. It's not fair to her if i'm always thinking about "what if" or "Anemone was so much more..." She is not you and cannot replace you...
In closing i'd like to again say i'm sorry. I am not writing this out of guilt, i'm writing because i love and respect you. I want you to know that even though I may not cry like you, doesn't mean i'm not hurting. My love for you is as deep and as real as anything I will ever feel and I hope that one day our paths come together...
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This is when I bow out. We had a very good conversation last night. Unfortunately, it was extremely late, and I nearly died today at track practice. But we shot the shit for an hour, and when it was finally time to exuent, we realized that we needed to actually talk, and ended up staying on the line for another half an hour or so. It was one of those things...heartwrenching. Truly, ripped the damn thing out at the roots. What I basically got out of it was this: "I still love you, but realize that we can't be together. I screwed up, and I hope we can still be close." This is very painful for me. Teenage angst, whatever. It still hurts. When I hung up the phone, I broke down into violent crying. I don't really know what came over me, but I think it's the stuff that had been waiting for a "release" button. But I'm trying. Dear lord, I'm trying.
Vaulting is going well. I should be doing math homework, but have decided that procrastination is by far the better route. Wish me luck, world.
posted by
Anemone Ra at 8:48 PM
I am back from the big New Orleans. It was fun, but it's not the kind of city that makes you want to go traveling with your parents. Yes, I know; bad, alcoholic teens. But it's not even that. I cannot stand being cramped into a one-room hotel dwelling with my sister as a bed partner. She punches in her sleep. No joke. It
was a really cool place, though. I'd like to return. Sans parentes. I'll post my New Orleans Journal later, right now I'm reeling from several things. Being deprived of your e-mail all week makes you do crazy things. Like pay a buck for five minutes at a "Surf-Net" booth in the mall. Well, imagine my surprise when this e-mail found itself into my box:
Anemone,
I feel like an idiot even writing you. I somehow figured that this would just come up in conversation, but it hasn't. This shouldn't be a hard thing to say, but it is. I have no idea why this is hard, and don't even know if I truly want to delve into that question right now. To get to the point, i'm dating someone. Her name is Jennifer and we've been together for a while. I'm not telling you this to hurt you or to distance you from myself. I'm telling you this because I feel as though I have been dishonest. Had you asked me I would have told you. I told myself many a time to convince my conscious that avoiding the subject, in other words the truth, was okay. It's not okay and i'm sorry. Avoiding the truth may or may not be lying, it depends on whom you ask, but i feel as though I have let both you and her down. I'm sorry i've kept this from you, I hope you can forgive me.
Caoimhin
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Well. A most interesting little message. Willfully ignoring my concealed (and casual involvement, you skeptics) with Emre, I took the opportunity to capitalize on his guilt and explain my situation in the truest fashion. Observe:
Caoimhin,
This is difficult for me to write.
I'm not going to pretend that I'm not angry or hurt. I'm upset for a number of reasons, some of which are valid, some of which are not. However, I think that this situation demands honesty, and you should know that, girlfriend aside, I don't feel as though you've been honest with me. The way that you've chosen to end things with me has been disturbing. Now, it seems as though maybe you had more than one reason for breaking up with me, and while that may very well be jumping to conclusions, it's hard for me to keep the possibility out of my mind. I'm not accusing you of anything. But how exactly long is "a while"? I would just like a thorough explanation. All of this is very baffling. Fair or not, I feel misled. And stupid; here I was thinking that maybe you were still interested in working things out. It's painfully obvious that I loved you a little too much to expect that much in return. Please, I don't want your guilt or sympathy. Maybe this will be an opportunity for me, and can provide closure to some uncertain things in my life.
Anemone
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So that's the main trauma in my life at this point. I'm going to go and sit in a corner for a while. Not really. My pain is in the process of being oppressed. Suppressed? Repressed? Take your pick. Peace.
(Ah yes, Joshy: hello. And thanks for the letter. I'll write you in a split.)
posted by
Anemone Ra at 10:42 AM
