11-5-00         Another endless day of work. 12-7. Whew. I am tired and smell of endless coffee grinds. When I close my eyes, I see the rich varience of nutty brown colors rolling in a shot glass and the rainbow-esque kaleidoscope of syrup colors arranged neatly on the table in front of me... A guy ordered a banana mocha today. After my stomach rotated several times, I succeeded in making the strange drink to his satisfaction. He was dressed in a loose little wife-beater and boxer-esque shorts (although I didn't look too closely), swallowed up in a huge sports utility vehicle...seemed like a business man who rolls up for his post-work cuppa joe (or banana flavored mocha) after his clothes have been blasted off by some huge, cataclysmic windstorm. The mere thought amused me to no end. "The Real World" was chattering softly in the background, giving the whole experience a surreal kind of ambience. Caoimhin Ordeal has reached it's peak. At least, since I seem to be stirring the winds of trouble here, that's how I'm going to direct it. To the inevitable decrescendo. I have decided this after another emotionally exhausting experience last night. This state of advanced worry is not good for me, physically or emotionally. I'm assuming that I was partially so upset/easily affected because I was tired. And the whole ordeal is ridiculous, frankly. I'm a nut case. I accept this. Life moves on. Went to church today. Sang with the choir. "Love Grows Here." It was really very pretty. The music coordinator wants me and my sister to sing a Thanksgiving song. We're leaning towards "God is So Good." On that note, I think I will go study/eat/clean/talk-on-the-phone/perhaps bathe. Who knows. Eau De Dirty Espresso Joint is so...alluring. Tantalzing.

11-4-00         Damn hooligans egged my car again. I'm still wondering if someone actually hates me, and is maliciously provoking me into random acts of violence, but I figure it's more likely that somebody got drunk and decided to have fun with chicken embryos. This doesn't make it any less annoying or obnoxious, but DAMN. That is gross. To level the sting of the aforementioned incident, good news from the sensei. I went to Bluorchid kendo team practice this morning to take some pics, which, hopefully, will turn out. Anyways. The sensei told me he "wanted to talk to me" before I left. Now, of course, being the young person that I am, I automatically assumed a chastisement was in order and wondered what faux pas I had committed. Miraculously, he only wished to know what my "plans for the future" were, how serious I was about kendo, etc., etc. He told me I was doing well (!) and that if I worked hard, I could hope to be in armor in three months (!) and I could catch up with the girls in the dojo. Praise from the sensei is sparse and well recieved. So I beamed and said, yes, sir, I'm very enthusiastic about kendo, and left with my little heart aflutter. Went and studied with my friend from History class for our huge-ass test on Monday...pretty uneventful. My room is still in a state of complete and utter chaos. Oh, it's upsetting. I've been trying so hard to get all my stuff together. I'm three inches away from just throwing everything in my room out. Still don't know what the deal with Caoimhin is. I haven't talked to/chatted with him in two days. I'm kind of wondering if this is intentional on his part. Oh wait. He just logged on. And he hasn't been ignoring me. Just getting trashed. Ah, gotta love double standards. If it wouldn't inflict a state of extreme dehydration, I would cry like there was no tomorrow. Now we're both pretending nothing is wrong, which is driving me vaguely insane. Maybe the alcohol has wiped out a good deal of the incident. How charming. We are engaging in a lengthy and entirely ridiculous IM exchange in which we are both trodding all over the other person's toes. I sense I have frustrated. I think it's safe to say that my Heart has been Broken; it's in process of Breaking, at least. God, what a horrid feeling. I remember that night that we talked. I hung up the phone and something just seized my body and wrenched it like I was nothing but paper. What he said was true, though; I do care too much.

11-3-00         Another day, another dollar. Well, quite a few more dollars. I just returned from a shopping excursion with my bud Lucretia. (Via volleyball.) She is the sweetest little thing. She's short, Thai, energetic (although I think "spunky" fits better), cute as a freaking button, and we have our differences, but meet pretty plain on a higher level, which is really nice. Lucretia has this magnetic personality which does not go unnoticed by guys. My friend Berekely is head over heals for her, much to the chagrin of my other friend, Theophania, also a volleyball chum. Anyway, Lucretia and I power-shopped. We took Dreamway by storm. And still didn't make it all the way down the boulevard. Oh well, another day, dollars later. It's nights like these which make me realize WHY i got a job. Not that I don't like the moolah or anything. My dad is telling the cat not to "get snappy" with him. So far, she's been nothing but "snappy" since the day we got her. She'll dash madly and frantically around the house, attacking ankles, chairs, couches, and then crawl under something and pass out for hours on end. Little Dirvish, I call her. So far, I'm increasingly disappointed in the upcoming election. In my opinion, Gore and Bush are both weenies. Nader needs more of a frenzied following, I think. Green Party Rocks. But the lesser of the two evils, I feel, is Gore. Primarily because Bush wants to bulldoze Alaskan wildlife reserves because there "might" be oil there. I mean, come on, we can always use the extra pollution. Get that good healthy grime caking city windows. Also he's strictly anti-woman's choice. Damn, Bush, not like a horde of women follow you around and make your most personal decisions for you. That's how Gore won my grudgy little vote. Women's right, Alaskan wildlife preservation, and a healthy respect for kicking the snot out of Bush. Geeze. Do We really NEED two generations of republicans in the White House? NOOO. Had a shocking experience with Caoimhin last night. Generally, I admit to being an over-emotional, oversensitive, jealous, and possessive, well, GIRL, for lack of a better word. But last night, I felt like my heart had been ripped straight from my chest. It started, I guess, with him asking him if everything was okay from the night BEFORE that, if you can recall, we exchanged some words. And that was basically a jealousy tiff. However, this led to discussion, which inevitably brought up this one fact: I'm needy. This I accept with calm dignity. Also: I'm afraid of relationships; I've been burned. This makes it extremely difficult for me to not expect disappointment. And assume that I will always love stronger,due mainly to incredibly crappy self-esteem. Unfortunetely, after a bit of discussion, it was apparent that this was indeed the case. The case being the scales of love aren't balanced. I could be HORRIBLY misconstruing the whole situation, but Caoimhin didn't really rush to drive the thought from my head. I feel everything far too strongly, which does not exclude emotion/depth of feeling for Caoimhin. (Thanks a lot, Diego. Now I'm all fuckered up for everyone else. Bastard.) It's a sick relief to hear things you suspect or fear. You can assure yourself you're not "imagining things." What's love without drama? Aside from boring, it's fake. Doesn't dull the pain...or whitewash it...or bury it...kicks you in the face. With boots.

11-2-00         Volleyball is over, ending on a fairly nice note. We lost to two schools, and beat the last one, which was very nice because they were "better" than we were. School today was...ih. Still feel like a huge fucked up outcast. But my social ineptness only makes me realize how truly nice it is not to be in the social circuit. My good friend Nova-Bean was in there her freshman year, and suddenly out of rotation sophomore year. She's all weird and resentful about everyone and friends. It's obnoxious, really, if she is social and friendly, it's fine, but if anyone else has something she wants, namely friends of the popular sort, then all of a sudden, she's on an individuality kick and the harsh imposations of society are suddenly cut and pasted on that individual. She's the same with "guy-attention." Her and Moonhuck both. With me. Someone will say something nice and complimentary about me, and they'll conveniently forget to tell me. I wouldn't mind if they actually forgot. Just the fact that Nova-Bean will say, "Well, it's just because I'm jealous" as if that justifies everything. Like saying it out loud makes it okay to be a piece of crap to me. Perhaps it's just my own insecurities and social frustration that is making me sensitive, but DAMN, pull your head out of your ASS. God damn. I don't need any more weird ass Maria Conchita shit going on. And that is another rainy day journal entry. Also, exchanged words last night with Caoimhin. I'm still trying to figure out why, but it ended up with me feeling slightly like the sooth-ee, and vaguely irritable without reason. I have the impression that it has something to do with me being oversensitive/overemotional and not wanting to admit it in a way which would mean letting down my guard. I already have, I don't understand why I have to be such a loser about it! Perhaps it's my little hormones running amok. Fuck. I'm a head case. I think that I'm going to go clean, because my vocabulary is suddenly limiting itself to phrases of the rather colorful nature. So, bon dieu, I mean, bon nuit, world.

11-1-00         School today. Another droning, mundane ordeal sprinkled with witticisms and invaluable lessons which I will inevitably miss. Why? Because, "if life were to scream out it's secret like a drunken vagrant, know this: you'd pay it just that much attention." The day was relatively low key, I suppose. It was one of those days where everyone you know somehow manages to make you feel like a fuck-up. Which is odd, because people, by nature, suck. And after the duration of another endless volleyball practice, I'm yet again led to wonder why, exactly, do I participate in organized sports? What sort of pleasure do I derive from it? I can't put my finger on it, which is kind of unsettling. My best friend, Moonhuck, is acting strangely. Not strange as in eclectic or spontaneous; these characteristics are inherent to her. She seems easily irritable and rather distant. Perhaps I am not pleasing her. Maybe we are growing apart. I think my newfound independence/self-reliance rubs her the wrong way. What with me having a car, a job ($$$), kendo, volleyball, and a curious desire to get into college. I'm not ignoring her, I just don't have time to do very much. Maybe she's justified, but I feel like the whole process is sneaky; like dumping someone without telling them. Plus, my sister is being a piece of crap to me. Irony: Life's Great Equalizer