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Ask Dr Hump
Past archives
Scroll down the page to read past questions sent to our
sex expert, Dr Hump. Remember if you have a sex related question - you can
e-mail Dr Hump at [email protected].
Also, for advice on cannabis or other recreational drugs
you can ask the Caned In Totnes pot agony uncle -
Dr Hemp. |
Dear
Dr Hump,
I am a sad
music executive that has a tendency for noncing young boys that I have been
trusted with and would like to know where I can obtain some fresh young crack?
I am in Bellmarsh, London, and I'm planning to stay here for the next
seven years, unless I behave well. I did a search on google.com for 'caned'
when I came across your web site (literally). However, I should like to ask
where are the pictures of young men getting caned? I am interested in swapping
pics, if the screws will let me?
Sincerely,
Anon. |
Dear
Jonathon King,
Mmm.
Why does it not surprise me that you have been put away for such perverse acts,
when all your record releases have been weird and detached from reality? Is it
because you have a Rolls Royce and none of your victims are old enough to
remember Entertainment USA that you were able to fuck so many young boys? Lets
face it you are weird and your next girlfriend is going to have a
beard.
We could talk about this all night, but I know what a mass
debater you are (usually over teenage boys' faces). As for your appeal on the
Internet, you obviously can't afford the same lawyers as Michael Jackson, come
to think of it neither can I, so don't sue me, oh no you can't you're in
prison. Ha ha. Pervert!
Anyway, hope you enjoy the ride; plenty of
Vaseline will make a man of you. That has a nice little ring to it, like most
of your poor victims. Good job I wasn't the judge, as I was wearing a black hat
when I saw you on Juke Box Jury. You sad cunt!
With all my
love,
Dr Hump.
P.S.
See you in seven years and send my regards to Jeffery. Not! |
Dear
Dr Hump,
My wife does
not like to give oral sex; what can I do to change that?
Sincerely,
RBIGMONEY. |
Dear
RBIGMONEY,
Try covering your
love truncheon in honey or chocolate mousse and tell her to suck it or
else.
With all my love,
Dr Hump. |
Dear
Dr Hump,
My cock is so
big that I can only get British girls to suck it and then put it in their ass.
What is the problem with regular shag?
Cheers,
Sean O'Keefe. |
Dear
Sean,
The answer is: sort your
fucking life out Sean! Go and have a wank, you must be real ugly if they'll
only take it up the arse.
With all my love,
Dr Hump. |
Dear
Dr Hump,
I have been
going out with a woman for 1 ½ years. We get on well and I take her out
and tell her jokes to amuse her and I try everything. She seems unhappy and
tense and nothing I say makes any difference.
Thanks,
Anon, East
Midlands. |
Dear
Stumped Anon,
The only things that I can think of are a:) You are crap
in bed and she's just about had enough of it. B:) You must be absolutely mind
numbingly boring! And judging by your letter, I'd say it is a strong
possibility.
With all my love,
Dr Hump. |
Dear
Dr Hump,
Can you help
me? I am 28 years old and I want to lose my virginity (I think it's about
time!) Please help, as I can't wank because I've got blisters on my right hand
and I can't play any Ronan Keating songs on the guitar.
Thanks,
A virgin. |
Dear
Mystery Virgin,
Don't panic!
We'll have you fucking in no time. Firstly, it's a good idea to go out and get
yourself some porn magazines or 'Jazz Magz' as some men call them. These are
great for familiarising yourself with the parts involved and getting ideas for
positions.
Next either get yourself a blow up doll or a 'girlfriend' to
practice on; simply go out to the pub and choose a suitable partner from a wide
range of hopefuls. The best nights to go out looking for randy (desperate)
hopefuls are either Friday or Saturday nights. You'll be amazed at the
selection on show. Buy them a few drinks and have yourself a couple, but not as
many as your choice of 'practice partner' (this is essential), at least then
they won't notice how bad you are in the sack. Just pretend that you are the
star of the porn mag or movie and simply let them have it! Hey presto - no more
Mister Virgin. Then it's time to tell all your mates how good you are at it and
then practice as often as possible with what/whoever you can get your hands on.
Practice makes perfect.
With all my love,
Dr Hump.
P.S. Don't worry too
much about not being able to play Ronan Keating songs, as this would probably
only get in the way of your sex efforts, as these songs are definitely not
sexy. |
Dear
Dr Hump,
I am unable to
get any sex at all and I am really desperate to have a shag ASAP.
Pip (Totnes). |
Dear
Pip,
You must under no
circumstances have sex with any girl whatsoever. In fact, you should not ever
have sex with any man, animal, vegatable or mineral.
Just accept this
fact and stay at home in future.
With all my love,
Dr Hump.
P.S. This man is
serious. |
Warning: do not go anywhere near this
man.
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