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 Ask Dr Hump
Welcome to Ask Dr Hump - the
Internet's very own Sex Agony Aunt and a bitch with attitude!
In America they have Dr Ruth to answer sex questions,
however, many stoners feel that someone who has a face like a walrus' arse is
not best qualified to answer questions on rumpy pumpy - that's why Dr Hemp's
friend, Dr Hump, has agreed to answer your nookie queries.
Please e-mail your sex related questions to
[email protected]. |
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 Scroll down to see recent questions to
Dr Hump.
Click on the links below to read Dr Hump's past
archives.
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Dear
Dr Hump,
There is this
lady down my street and I was wondering how I could get her into
bed?
Eagerly waiting your response.
Regards,
Martial Master. |
Dear
Martial Master,
Easy!
Bombard her with gifts of flowers and chocolates. Start taking photographs of
her and pin them on your bedroom wall. Follow her every move, to work, picking
up her kids at school, pubs, clubs, etc.,
Find out her mobile phone
number and inundate her with filthy text messages, if she is online, then do
this too with emails and send her self pics of you naked, just like Colonel
Varley.
Leave anonymous notes which she could easily find; you could
even break into her house like a knicker bandit to steal her panties; make sure
you leave obvious clues so she suspects it is you.
She'll be the love of
your life before you know it and gagging to get you into bed.
With all
my love,
Dr Hump. |
Colonel Mark
Varley
Assistant Chief of Staff in Northern Ireland |
Dear
Dr Hump,
My girlfriend
has been begging me to try anal sex for weeks now, and I've been delaying it
because I'm not too interested in getting a chocolate coated dick.
What
do you think the chances of a messy situation are of happening? Either way, I
guess I could just get fucking wasted and shove it up her shit-tube. After 9
beers I'm sure faeces has the currency of gold.
Love,
David. |
Dear
David,
I can
understand your apprehension at your girlfriend's sodomistic proposal. Call me
an old fashioned Devonshire lass, but I've always believed you should always
cum in the front door and the back door is for exit only.
You should
agree to your girl's request, but only on condition she gives you a blow job
immediately after the event and cleans your tackle for you with her tongue.
Hopefully this will put her off the idea, if not then 9 pints of beer may well
be needed to give you enough Dutch courage to perform such a filthy act on your
partner's chocolate starfish.
With all my love,
Dr Hump. |
Dear
Dr Hump,
I am a Burger
King Employee and I have two fuck buddies who are close friends with each
other. I have feelings for both of them and one of the boys' cousins. What do I
do?
Regards,
Santina.
P.S. I'm serious. |
Dear
Santina,
As you will be
spotty, greasy, fat and ugly, because you are a Burger King employee; I'm
surprised you can get any fuck buddies at all.
I should keep all your
fuck buddies and not let on to any of them that you're screwing all of them
behind their back, as you'll soon be single if they find out.
With all
my love,
Dr Hump. |
Dear
Dr Hump,
I give my wife
great orgasms. I would like to know if there is a way I can make her squit when
she has an orgasm?
Cheers,
Gary. |
Dear
Gary,
Now why on Earth would
you want to do that my dear?
It sounds like a messy old business. I
suppose you could feed her prunes or laxatives, but don't be surprised if she's
not best pleased and it doesn't turn out to be the most romantic of
occasions.
With all my love,
Dr Hump. |
Dear
Dr Hump,
My boyfriend is
currently in jail and I really need some ass, but I don't want to cheat on him
what do I do?
Regards,
Devil Chick. |
Dear
Devil Chick,
You might
as well cheat on him, as your boyfriend is almost certainly getting or giving
some ass in some dirty prison cell, so I shouldn't feel too guilty about
it.
With all my love,
Dr Hump. |
Dear
Dr Hump,
How do I get
over my fear of losing my virginity? I am female and I desperately need help.
I just can't bring myself to it. I heard it feels great the first time,
but I'm just scared about the whole thing and I simply don't know. Can you help
me?
Love,
Audrina. |
Dear
Audrina,
Maybe you're just going
to turn out to be one of those bitter and twisted spinsters who never have sex.
I guess that's the way fate has chosen you; go join your local branch of the
Women's Institute and take up knitting.
With all my love,
Dr
Hump. |
Dear
Dr Hump,
I am a 52 year
old divorced bisexual male who has always (even when married) had sex with
other men, but just hand and oral. Nowadays, all I think about is being a
bottom, I really fantasise about being penetrated by a man.
Now to my
question, is it harder to be broke in so to speak when you get older, as when I
try myself I find it hard enough to insert one
finger?
Regards,
Pete. |
Dear
Pete,
Didn't your mother ever
tell you your poohole is for shitting? How the hell should I know whether it's
harder to be broke in backwards as you get older when I'm equipped with a front
bottom which is specifically designed for this purpose.
I can only
recommend you find Mr Small, because if your finger is giving you trouble then
I doubt king dong will be very snug and fit in nicely. Ouch! Better stock up on
those poppers.
With all my love,
Dr Hump. |
Dear
Dr Hump,
I smoke a lot
of weed everyday and I am trying for a child with my girlfriend, but there has
been no luck for over a year.
Could the weed have anything to do with
it? I know I can have kids, but there has been no joy. A bit of helpful advice
would be nice!
Yours sincerely,
Paddy. |
Dear
Paddy,
I'm afraid you're shooting
blanks. All your sperm are stoned and cannot be bothered to find the egg.
They're all lounging around in your gonads eating pizzas and talking
rubbish.
If you want to have kids then it's off to the sperm bank to get
some sober semen.
With all my love,
Dr Hump. |
Dear
Dr Hump,
I am a
desperate 23 year old man who still hasn't had sex yet.
I am very shy
and do not have a clue as to how to persuade a girl into bed. I think I'm
frigid, but like to wank at least thrice a week and exploring my back
hole.
What do I do to get a girl into bed?
Thanks,
Willbo. |
Dear
Willbo,
You sound like a
bit of a wanker, which will explain your inability to pop your
cherry.
Get your fingers out of your arse (unless you're a dung puncher
who kicks with the left foot) and get down the pub; you're bound to eventually
find some pissed up old slapper who'll be willing to do the deed. If you still
have no success then a visit to the cash machine will put to an end your
lonely, pathetic sex starved existence.
With all my love,
Dr
Hump. |
Dear
Dr Hump,
My boyfriend is
really bad in the sack but I love him to death. What do I do?
Jodi. |
Dear
Dr Hump,
I have a
problem with going too quick or too long and I really could use some pointers
on how to regulate for my girlfriend.
I also have this thing about my
size. My girl says I'm big and brags to her friends but I don't feel big
enough. How could I make it bigger with out a penis pump?
Regards,
Jitz. |
Dear
Jitz,
First of all, most girls lie
to their boyfriends about their cocks being big to make them feel secure, but
it's evident you feel like a sausage in a bucket. You could always hang a sack
of potatoes on the end of your pink oboe to gain some extra length.
It
must be frustrating for you, as you either jump the gun or end up running a
marathon with no finish line in your bedroom Olympics. You need to learn to
pace yourself man; get a grip! Alcohol and drugs can help prolong sex and
getting your girlfriend's sexy mates to join in the fun can end the loneliness
of the long distance cummer.
With all my love,
Dr Hump. |
Dear
Dr Hump,
I am 23 years
old man from Pakistan and I have married for 2 years. I have no time and my
cock is very small. Please guide me to big my cock and time.
Regards,
Asif
Khan. |
Dear
Asif Khan,
You need yoni puja
doing and pray to Goddess Shakti for bigger elephant like manhood. Hurry be
quick, so you can fuckee lady with enlarged prick.
With all my
love,
Dr Hump. |
Dear
Dr Hump,
I've been with
this amazing girl going on for months now. I am 16, but please don't pass over
my question as you and I both know that the age people are having sex and
sexual experiences keeps decreasing as time goes on, and I figure who better
too ask than the Internet's Sex Agony Aunt herself.
I do want my
relationship to keep growing with this girl, emotionally and physically. I've
been told that I am a great kisser when we hook up, but I am a little worried
if Ill be as good as a kisser when I go down on her. So I guess my question is
how is the best way to go from 2nd base to 3rd base while
we're hooking up. What is the best way of eating a girl out?
Please get
back to me when you can.
Regards,
RY.
P.S. The people who write to you and
mouth off to you are dumb asses. It's your site, you can type what you
want. |
Dear
RY,
There comes a time when every
girl will invite you to a fish supper feast with the tang of the sea and plenty
of batter. The rule goes like this:
If your snogging is crap
You'll never get a
flap snack
If you are an excellent kisser
You'll be fine at licking her
pisser
The principles to muff diving are essentially the same
as French kissing on the lips, I'm sure you'll be fine my lad. Enjoy your fur
burger and remember, if you do a good job then she'll let you progress to
4th base in no time.
With all my love,
Dr Hump. |
Dear
Dr Hump,
First of all
let me just say that you probably have no experience whatsoever in these kinds
of affairs. It sounds to me like you're some sick ass Joe who is trying to
screw people over. I bet you're still a virgin so I suggest that you go to hell
and leave professional questions to someone who actually has some common
sense.
Sincerely,
Arthur. |
Dear
Arthur,
Now look hear arsehole,
who are you to question my infinite wisdom?
The advice I give is honest,
real and genuine, unlike the dubious humourless advice on offer from the
corporate sponsored agony aunts of newspapers and daytime TV.
I abhor
these so called professional do-gooders, who more than often moralise and
patronise, rather than offer any worthwhile council.
My hundreds of
thousands of fans all over the world who have read my letter page speak praise
enough. I've had more sex than you've had hot dinners, you whining little turd.
I hope you get lots of hate e-mail from my loyal fans!
With all my
love,
Dr Hump. |
Dear
Dr Hump,
I'd like to
assume the Dr Hump position for a second to give some 'cheeky' advice to the
people out there on your behalf. I read one of the posts from someone
complaining at your 'rude' replies and I'd like to comment on this:
If
you people out there are going to ask stupid questions about things you most
often shouldn't be worried about, then you should expect Dr Hump to have a
little sarcastic fun with the reply. You wouldn't want her falling asleep over
your ultra boring pleas for help now would you? Also, it wouldn't be half as
entertaining to read a serious reply to questions you shouldn't seriously be
asking.
Perhaps you all need to spend a little more time masturbating in
the mud at the bottom of your gardens, to realise just how dirty sex can be.
Get over it and yourselves!
Best Regards,
Rob. |
Dear
Rob,
Yes, you're right.
More compliments please!
With all my love,
Dr Hump. |
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