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Ask Dr Hump
Past archives
Scroll down the page to read past questions sent to our
sex expert, Dr Hump. Remember if you have a sex related question - you can
e-mail Dr Hump at [email protected].
Also, for advice on cannabis or other recreational drugs
you can ask the Caned In Totnes pot agony uncle -
Dr Hemp. |
Dear
Dr Hump,
Hey my penis
hooks to the left, is there any way I can correct this?
Cheers,
Jason. |
Dear
Jason,
Try shutting your dick
in a door twice a day for two months. If this doesn't work use a vice or find a
girl with a right-handed punani.
With all my love,
Dr Hump. |
Dear
Dr Hump,
My friend is a
homosexual and tried it on with me last night. I tried to tell him I'm not gay
but he won't leave me alone and I am seriously having thoughts to beat the shit
out of him. What do you think I should do?
Sincerely,
Ryan.
P.S. If you don't have an
answer then can you give me the phone numbers to any desperate men that will
fuck his brains out. |
Dear
Ryan,
I think that you are
actually gay yourself, as it takes one to know one. So just let him do you and
stop pretending you're not a batty boy.
With all my love,
Dr
Hump.
P.S. With regards to those phone numbers that you are looking for,
try phone boxes in the Kemptown area of Brighton. |
Dear
Dr Hump,
My boyfriend
and I moved in together this summer. We used to have really good touchy feely
sex. Now he never touched me, doesn't give me a chance to touch him and the
clothes don't even come off any more. I don't know what to do. I don't want to
spend the rest of my life with sex like this.
Sincerely,
Anne. |
Dear
Anne,
Get your best friend
involved. Suggest to your boyfriend that you have a threesome and then he'll be
tearing his kecks off. All three of you should also take some ecstasy. The
girls should take more than your boyfriend as the ecstasy might make him a bit
limp down under if he does too much.
With all my love,
Dr Hump. |
Dear
Dr Hump,
My missus wants
a seeing to but I'm too stoned to be bothered. What should I do?
Cheers,
Peter. |
Dear
Peter,
Get her stoned too and
then she'll be off your case.
With all my love,
Dr Hump. |
Dear
Dr Hump,
I need some
help obviously, well, I am a virgin and I met this really great guy and I think
I want to have sex with him but I'm not sure that I should trust him. I just
don't want to get hurt and at the same time get my pureness taken away. What
should I do?
Thanks,
Boo. |
Dear
Boo,
Shag a vicar and that
will warm you up nicely for the event. You can then fuck the living daylights
out of this guy free of guilt because you know God will be on your
side.
With all my love,
Dr Hump. |
Dear
Dr Hump,
I have a
problem my boyfriend wants to fuck me in the ass but every time he does is it
burns bad and hurts please help why does it?
Thanks,
Jailbait. |
Dear
Jailbait,
This is because
you've been eating too many curries. Stick to a plain diet of rice and salad.
Also tell him to put some strawberry flavour jelly on his chopper first and
then everything should be just great.
With all my love,
Dr Hump. |
Dear
Dr Hump,
I've done
unspeakable things to my best friend's wife's mouth when he wasn't around. She
wants me to, and I always do. I've pooped in her mouth. Peed in her mouth.
Pumped load after load of cum in her mouth. I've peed in her mouth after
coming. I've pooped in her mouth and shot loads of cum on the poop. I fart on
her tongue regularly. I've even barfed in her mouth once, when a particular
fart got out of hand and I squirted diarrhoea in her mouth ... which she drank.
She eats and drinks it all. I've even shit in her mouth and punched her in the
face and called her shit eating whore. She loves it.
Smurfy Johnson . |
Dear
Smurfy,
You should get them
together and talk about this. These things are best out in the open and if he's
a real friend he'll understand, as no whore should ever cum between
friends.
You also need to go and see a psychiatrist as you are obviously
completely fucked up.
With all my love,
Dr Hump. |
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