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Ask Dr Hump
Past archives
Scroll down the page to read past questions sent to our
sex expert, Dr Hump. Remember if you have a sex related question - you can
e-mail Dr Hump at [email protected].
Also, for advice on cannabis or other recreational drugs
you can ask the Caned In Totnes pot agony uncle -
Dr Hemp. |
Dear
Dr Hump,
Your web site
really sucks, I think your a fake.
Your nothing but a perverted bitch
and what you really need is Jesus, you sick bastard.
Me and my
girlfriend are waiting till we get married or that special time before we have
sex.
If you talk crazy to me I'll beat your ass, you homosexual, fucked
up, perverted, bitch. I expect an answer from your punk ass, if you man
enough.
Thanks,
Keaushia Davis. |
Dear
Keaushia,
I really like
to pick flowers in spring time, but flowers in the window don't mean nothing to
me, yet at least I've got a fucking grip.
You come round here and give
me a load of Barney Rubble because your Christian upbringing has really fucked
up your life.
Stop using Jesus as an excuse for being a virgin, the
reason you don't have sex is because you are a nerd.
You must be a real
turn-off if your girlfriend won't even get her quim out for you. Even if you
don't penetrate her, she should at least give you a glimpse.
With all my
love,
Dr Hump. |
Dear
Dr Hump,
Here is my
problem. Every time I perform oral sex on my wife she will end up with thrush.
Needless to say this has curtailed this endeavour. What would cause this to
happen? It only happens with oral sex, all other sex is fine. What can a poor
boy do? Any advice will be greatly appreciated.
Thanks,
Kitty. |
Dear
Kitty,
Some people think thrush
is a beautiful songbird that sings in the morning, yet to me, it's an
irritating cunt!
Squirt some organic bio yoghurt up her punani prior to
going down on her piss flaps. This should prevent any unwanted fungal
developments around her beef curtains.
With all my love,
Dr Hump. |
Dear
Dr Hump,
I have a
one-inch cock and when it gets hard it rises to 1 1/2 inches. It's really hard
for me to have sex, girls make fun of me and I always cry. Girls can't even get
my cock in their mouth, as it is so little. My friends can't even see it from
two feet away; help me get a bigger cock.
Thanks,
Mr Pipi. |
Dear
Mr Pipi,
Ha ha ha, tiny
weiner man, it must so embarrassing to have such a puny prick, in fact, you
probably have the smallest willy in the world and that is not going to satisfy
any girl (or man). I doubt you can even satisfy yourself when you masturbate.
Do you use a pair of tweezers?
Don't bother trying to have sex with
girls, as we prefer big boys. Only men with small cocks say size doesn't
matter.
Your only option is to sign up to one of those e-mails offering
to enlarge your one-eyed trouser snake (or maggot in your case) for $$$. I get
one of those e-mails everyday and I don't even have a penis to enlarge in the
first place (I do have a nice pussy though). If these courses do not work then
you'll have to pay a prostitute to fake an orgasm.
With all my
love,
Dr Hump. |
Dear
Dr Hump,
My boyfriend is
hitting on my ex-boyfriend; it is beginning to scare me because my ex is
playing along and I am beginning to think that they are both gay! I have been
very horny lately, but my boyfriend won't give it to me unless it is up the
butt! What do I do? I want some real pleasure without my ex being involved? I
am so confused, please help!
Much love,
Harriet. |
Dear
Harriet,
It sounds like
you're one of those girls who have a knack of pulling poofters.
Yes,
your ex-boyfriend and present boyfriend are almost certainly doing each other
behind your back (excuse the pun) whenever they have the chance, as it is a
well known fact gay men have a much higher sex drive than straights.
The
only way you're going to get sex out of your boyfriend is to propose a
threesome with your ex and learn to take it up the bum hole; you may have to
buy some KY, however, your boyfriend probably has some already.
If
they're not showing that much interest in you during the orgy then maybe a fake
beard and a strap-on todger will increase your chances, but I wouldn't count on
it as your boyfriend is much more interested in your ex's manhood than anything
you have to offer. Have you ever thought about getting your own back by
becoming a lesbian and sleeping with as many other women as
possible?
With all my love,
Dr Hump. |
Dear
Dr Hump,
I like your web
page and all your crappy friends writing to you about their crappy lives. I
really enjoy your crazy answers too, but this time I seem to be in need of some
really good and extraordinary advice.
My anus is very yucky and I have
a bad feeling about it, since the gap between my anus hole and my balls has a
very bad rash. I already tried to put some chocolate cream and peanut butter on
it, but it didn't help at all. Please let me know, what I can do to make the
pain in the ass stop.
Thanks in advance,
Carl-von-Ossietzky-Gymnasium.
P.S.
Most of the people writing to you seem to be a pain in the ass as well, so I
think that we are some kind of brothers, who have to go through similar
shit. |
Dear
Carl-von-Ossietzky-Gymnasium,
Thank
you for you kind words and sharing with me the story of your yucky anus. It was
just what I needed to read after a heavy weekend of alcohol and drug
abuse.
Sounds like you do have a problem downstairs around the backdoor
and I don't believe putting chocolate cream and peanut butter on it will help
your tender fraenum.
Shove some opium up your sphincter to ease the
pain; if the problem persists, don't tell anyone about it and hope it goes
away.
With all my love,
Dr Hump.
P.S. Brother? |
Dear
Dr Hump,
A boy touched
me everywhere one day. Then the next day I fell in love with him. Now he won't
talk to me or say hi. He would only look at me or sometimes smiles at me. Does
he have the same feelings to me? Does he love me? I touched him too. What
should I do?
Was it my or his mistake? I need help and
advice!
Thanks,
Marlene. |
Dear
Marlene,
Perhaps he
was pissed at the time and you're a right minger. Stick with the ugly ones in
future, as at least they won't reject you the next day when they are
sober.
With all my love,
Dr Hump. |
Dear
Dr Hump,
Am red-hot Jam
Gorilla crasher or basher with the particular problem: Quantum Leap phallus. It
plays excited tricks on me as it goes around his business.
Every Monday
I can find it in the usual place but on Tuesday it's my breast pocket where it
loiters. On Wednesdays it occupies my sleeve but am not sure. However, could
bank on Thursdays back pocket appearance. Fridays and weekend it fades away and
pops in at wish.
Can you help or perhaps I shall seek advice of
parallel Dr Hemp?
Thanks,
Jam.
P.S. Love the site; am
running underground clubbing mag in London, wanna send it to you? |
Dear
Jam,
If this is a spirit
guide helping you then lucky you; have a good one. If it is a demon trying to
posses you then try to banish it.
If it's just your penis then I guess
you have no choice in the matter. Your best bet is to take some bromide and
listen to some Cliff Richard records.
With all my love,
Dr Hump.
P.S. Where's the
magazine you promised? |
Dear
Dr Hump,
I really wanna
have sex but I'm too young to. I'm really horny and I even hump my finger. What
should I do?
Thanks,
Stacey. |
Dear
Stacey,
Borrow some of your
mother's or older sister's make-up, dress up in your school uniform and hang
out in the town centre around pub closing time.
I'm sure some kindly
middle-aged man will gladly help you to lose your virginity. In fact, he might
be so kind as to give you some money afterwards. Make sure you let him know
you're a virgin before the event and he may even offer you a few hundred
quid.
With all my love,
Dr Hump. |
Dear
Dr Hump,
I'm a young man
in my early twenties. For a couple of years now I've been eating my
girlfriend's shit - it's very tasty (she tells me it's good for me). But I get
these weird little red blisters in my mouth and on my tongue and my colleagues
keep complaining that I smell like rotten meat out of my mouth. Please help me.
Don't just write that I should stop eating shit because I
can't.
Regards,
Joachim. |
Dear
Joachim,
Bloody hell, I don't
half get some depraved letters from sick fucks out there, but yours really does
take the spunky biscuit.
Keep gobbling it down as fast as you can and
ask your real doctor for advice about any side-affects.
As for the
halitosis, I suggest you get your girlfriend to piss directly into your mouth
and gargle, as I doubt even Extra Strong Mints would disguise your shitty
breath.
With all my love,
Dr Hump. |
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