| |
 |
Ask Dr Hump
Past archives
Scroll down the page to read past questions sent to our
sex expert, Dr Hump. Remember if you have a sex related question - you can
e-mail Dr Hump at [email protected].
Also, for advice on cannabis or other recreational drugs
you can ask the Caned In Totnes pot agony uncle -
Dr Hemp. |
Dear
Dr Hump,
I need help;
I'm a 29-year-old male and I love sluts, whores and any female that will fuck
men, women. I don't like fags but I like to gang fuck women. I'm so into sluts
I make my wife fuck other people and I'm always looking for sluts who are not
afraid to get gang-banged and when I'm stoned it's worse.
Regards,
Judith. |
Dear
Judith,
If you really
are a 29-year-old male, then it must be incredibly embarrassing to be called
Judith, as that is a girlies name.
Your wife must feel really special
and honoured to be your mate's filthy fuck bucket whore. I hope she realises
how lucky she is to have such a wonderful husband.
You need to find lots
of well-hung blokes to fuck your wife senseless. I've heard Angus Deayton is
available and he'll even pay you, as well as supply hard drugs for your hot
orgy.
If you still have no luck finding prospective partners to shoot
load after load of cum inside your missus then have you considered animal sex;
this could add a whole new dimension to your sex life.
Some animals
have very big cocks that could easily satisfy your depraved desires. Horses,
big dogs (German Shepherd, Great Dane, St Bernard, etc.,) donkeys, llamas,
camels etc., the list is endless. Treat your wife to a day out at the local zoo
and tell her what animals you would like her to have sex with.
Is there
an aquarium in the near vicinity? If Angus Deayton isn't available then an eel
could make an ideal substitute for this multi-talented BBC celebrity. An
electric eel would be even better; simply shove it up her dirty cunt and if she
protests then slap the bitch hard and tell her who is boss. If she still
complains then tie the slag up and shove a donkey's cock in her mouth while you
fuck her with the eel.
Broadcast the event live on the Internet using a
web cam, as I'm sure many people would enjoy watching this. Great family
entertainment!
Hope this advice helps you find many more fuck partners
for your wife; to help you learn the ins and outs of animal sex, I recommend
you visit Girle
Zoo.
With all my love,
Dr Hump. |
Dear
Dr Hump,
I like how you
are to the point with no bullshit, thanks for the web site.
I am a
21-year-old male dancer (stripper). I just moved into a new apartment and I
have two older gay men in there 40's that live across the hall from me. For the
past 2 weeks they have been coming on to me and even came to the club that I
dance at. They are always telling me that I have nice body and a hot ass and
that I should come over and hang out with them sometime.
I have only
been with women, but the thought of being with both of them has me turned on. I
see a lot guys coming and going from their apartment. So should I go over and
give them a strip party and see where it goes from there.
Thanks,
Stan. |
Dear
Stan,
If you want to try gay sex
then fine I suppose, it's a free fucking country; I have no time for racism or
prejudice and it doesn't matter to me if you're gay, bi or
straight.
However, if you are just 21 years old with a nice body and hot
arse, I'm sure you could do better than a couple of dirty old fags in their
40's.
Go to a gay bar and pick up a nice young stud instead and tell the
wriggly queens that live across the hall to get lost, as they're old enough to
be your father and should know better than to chase after young virgin arse
like yours.
With all my love,
Dr Hump. |
Dear
Dr Hump,
My name is Dana
Sciandra and I came across your site through a search I did for funny advice
sites.
I also created and maintain an entertaining advice and opinion
site called "AskDana.net", where I provide funny (but real) advice on
love, sex, relationships and more.
I really liked what I saw in your
site, especially the humor and wondered if you were open to a link exchange
between our two sites? To date I have had over 126,000 visitors and have been
asked to be on the Oprah Winfrey show regarding a visitor who wrote them
regarding a 'best advice I ever received' show they were thinking of doing.
Alas, it never came to fruition, but it's supposed to be an honor to be asked,
right?
If you get a chance, check it out and let me know if you would
like to list each other on our sites. Thanks for any and all
consideration!
www.askdana.net
Yours sincerely,
Dana. |
Dear
Dana,
First of all, may I say
how honoured I am to have received a letter from someone who almost appeared on
the Oprah Winfrey Show. Your fame has not yet reached our shores, however, I'm
sure after publishing this letter you will have many fans in the UK, as this
site gets far more hits than yours.
I had a quick look at your web site
and soon got bored. Is that ugly looking faggot on the front really you? Your
tits look bigger than mine, fatso! I can't believe people actually read your
long-winded unfunny responses, let alone write to you for advice.
The
readers of your site must be very sad indeed and it's no surprise Oprah pulled
the plug.
With all my love,
Dr Hump. |
Dear
Dr Hump,
Any suggestions
as to how I may go about making my first anal sex session a little more
bearable?
I live in Vancouver, which is, as you probably know, the
marijuana capital of the world, and I was considering smoking before hand
(given that weed is a natural painkiller). The only thing is, I'm scared that a
very unfortunate incident may result from having anal sex for the first time
completely fucked out of my face.
I'm not looking forward to having to
insert a tampon in my ass in order to stop shit from coming out.
Regards,
Schizo. |
Dear
Schizo,
Cannabis may help,
yet there is an even better solution to your predicament, they're called
poppers or amyl nitrate.
Poppers are fun (and legal) and just what you
need to take your mind of a slight invasive unpleasantness, which you'll no
doubt soon come to enjoy.
You could practice first with a small
vegetable, say start with a carrot and work your way up to a cucumber or even a
marrow. They'll soon be calling you bucket arse!
You might also want to
be fucked in the face whilst having your arse slapped; explore all these
possibilities and more, if you have the desire to do so. Remember, not to hide
this from your family and friends; discuss with them your sexual urges on a
regular basis (perhaps bring it up over dinner with your parents).
KY
Jelly may prove useful too.
With all my love,
Dr Hump. |
Dear
Dr Hump,
I am a
64-year-old male. I would like to find a remedy for the following problems:
impotence, total loss of libido, and breast tenderness and enlargement, all of
which I have developed over the last three years.
These are some of the
ailments I suffer: Diabetes Type II (well controlled), Hypertension (well
controlled), Kidney disease (creatinin of 197), Moderate
hyperprolactinemia.
I'm on the following medications: Humulin, Atenolol,
Humulin, Avapro, Verapamil, Zaroxolin.
A CT scan has not shown the
presence of a pituitary tumor. My testosterone level is within the normal
range.
Is there a way to lower my prolactin level which presumably
causes the problems I have mentioned?
Thanks in advance,
Andy. |
Dear
Andy,
Sorry to hear about your
problems, these are because you're getting old, my dear.
As a doctor of
sex, may I prescribe alcohol, a few spliffs, ecstasy and some poppers; this
might not sort out your prolactin levels, yet it should get your libido going
again.
Go to a cocaine-fuelled party and get off with a hooker or two.
You could also take some Viagra, but leave out the ecstasy if you do, as I
doubt your old ticker could handle that much fun!
With all my
love,
Dr Hump. |
Dear
Dr Hump,
I really love
to fuck women in their ass. All the women I've ever fucked in the ass become
submissive while I'm fucking them and long after I've fucked them.
My
question to you is when all is said and done with women's lib and equal rights,
do women really love and need to be dominated by a man that fucks them really
good and makes them feel like they've been put in their place? I think so. What
do you think?
Respectfully,
Sal.
P.S. I would love to
tear up your asshole and make you bleed to see how you would act. |
Dear
Sal,
Thank you for the
proposition, however, I shall decline, as I'd rather die than have you do that
to my shit hole.
I think your fantasies should be played out on your own
anus, so my advice is to go fuck yourself.
With all my love,
Dr Hump. |
Dear
Dr Hump,
I am having a
problem with my love life.
A big fat retard wants to fuck me up the bum.
It's one thing that he's big, but that doesn't bother me too much, but another
thing is that within 10 minutes of meeting him, he asked me to take it up the
rear end.
I think he is gay and thinks I am a male! Now I really
couldn't give him the pleasure he wants! He is like stalking me and I don't
need this. The grand coolie dam. I don't wanna look at his big black arse!
Please help.
Lots of love,
Pamela. |
Dear
Pamela,
Do you look like a
bloke by any chance, as even the most stupid of retards should be able to tell
the difference between a male and female?
Doesn't anybody ever take it
up the normal plughole anymore? I seem to be getting lots of letters asking
about anal sex. Don't ask me, I always take it in my pussy or mouth. Still, at
least you'll never get pregnant.
With all my love,
Dr Hump. |
Dear
Dr Hump,
There's this
guy that I really, really love (and I think he likes me a lot too), but he's
dating my best friend.
To be blunt, how do I seduce him?
In
other words, do you know any drugs I can slip him without him knowing, which
won't fuck him up?
Thank you so much for listening and helping!
With all the love in the universe,
Dopey.
P.S. He's really shy. |
Dear
Dopey,
What a great idea
to drug this man so you can get in the sack with him.
Rather than cause
any undue conflict between you and your best friend, why not drug up both of
them? Slip some GHB (liquid ecstasy) or Rohypnol into their drinks and propose
a threesome.
Invite them round for a candlelit dinner (oysters are
supposed to be a good aphrodisiac, but they taste like shit, so perhaps salmon
and fresh vegetables would be a more conducive alternative), put on some Mozart
and a subtly open a bottle of Champagne and slip in the GHB or Rohypnol (which
are both tasteless). Make sure you're wearing the correct attire for seduction
purposes and burning the appropriate incense.
After deserts (expensive
chocolate ice cream of course) suggest a game of twister and hopefully in mid
grapple things should develop into a full on orgy.
Looking forward in
anticipation to the outcum. Bon appetite!
With all my love,
Dr Hump. |
Dear
Dr Hump,
I have a very
serious problem, you see my best friend just recently announced that she was a
lesbian. I didn't have a problem with this because I figure it's her choice,
but when she introduced me to her new lover I was shocked to discover the woman
was about the age of my grandmother! I was so disgusted, but I tried not to
show it, they were being openly affectionate and I really doubt this is normal.
They were kissing and feeling each other at a party we all went to; it
was very disturbing and the worst part is my friend is only 18. Gross or what?
Please help, how can I tell my friend that she isn't normal?
Love
always,
Jennifer. |
Dear
Jennifer,
You're absolutely
right, that is fucking gross!
You should not have tried to hide your
disgust at your friend's sordid antics and tell her you felt physically ill
when you learnt of her geriatric lover. You can tell her she isn't normal
simply by pointing out only sick perverts get off with old biddies.
In
addition, you must say to her you no longer want to be friends unless she stops
licking that old rug.
With all my love,
Dr Hump. |
Dear
Dr Hump,
I am a 35 year
old female. I am a lover of the gym and workout often.
I do like myself
and am not depressed nor on medications of any kind. I have been married 12
years and love my husband very much. I am not having an affair nor do I dream
of other men.
The problem is I just don't want sex at all. Not even
with myself (masturbation), which I used to do a lot. I just suddenly find that
sex turns me off all together. I don't even have it enter my mind! I don't like
to be touched in any way and this is causing me a lot of problems in my
otherwise great marriage.
Yours sincerly,
Michelle. |
Dear
Michelle,
There really is
something wrong with you; it must be awful for your poor husband to have such a
frigid wife.
If you really do love this man and you want to save your
marriage, you should force yourself to have sex with your husband, even if it
hurts! After a while the pain will go away.
It sounds to me the real
problem is you're a closet dyke. Tell your husband it's ok for him to have sex
with younger girls and you don't even mind if he has to pay for it. You can
then ask to join in and I'm sure your husband won't mind at all.
With
all my love,
Dr
Hump. |
|
