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Ask Dr Hump
Past archives
Scroll down the page to read past questions sent to our
sex expert, Dr Hump. Remember if you have a sex related question - you can
e-mail Dr Hump at [email protected].
Also, for advice on cannabis or other recreational drugs
you can ask the Caned In Totnes pot agony uncle - Dr
Hemp. |
Dear
Dr Hump,
I fucked some
guy I've been dating for only a short time the same night I got my clit hood
pierced. While ridding him I realized I was extremely wet; it was running down
his stomach and down my legs, plus it got all over the bed.
Well, when
we were done, he went to go to the bathroom and I went to check out what it was
I let out. To my surprise it was urine (I know because I smelled it); I was so
mortified.
What shocks me the most is that I didn't even know I was
peeing, I didn't feel anything and it seems he didn't even know I pissed on his
bed; either that or he didn't want to say anything. I don't know if I pissed
unconsciously because of the piercing and I don't know if I should tell him
about what happened. Please help.
Yours sincerely,
Shepeezalat. |
Dear
Shepeezalat,
Serves you
right for piercing your clit with a metal spike, no wonder it doesn't work
properly any more.
You need to tell this guy you've been dating you
pissed on him while having sex and simply hope he's into water sports. He'll
probably dump you though and get a new girlfriend that doesn't piss on him or
his bed; that's fucking disgusting you know!
With all my
love,
Dr Hump. |
Dear
Dr Hump,
My name is Anna
and I am 17 years old. I've had sex with three different guys already, but
every time I sleep with a guy I can't bear to look at him again, ever!
This has made all three relationships break up, but I just can't help
it! Every time I look at them I feel revolted and disgusting. I just want to
scream and run away. What's wrong with me? Why is this happening and what can I
do to stop this?
Please help.
Thanks,
Anna. |
Dear
Anna,
Most dykes go
through this before they come out and sometimes it can take years to come to
terms with your sexuality.
I've nothing against lady muff-divers, as it
means more fish in the sea for me to get my hands on, as long as you don't look
at me in a funny way, I don't give a toss!
Do some research on lesbian
sex on the Internet and try to pick up a woman, be she butch or be she pretty,
from your local lesbo bar. Have fun!
With all my love,
Dr Hump. |
Dear
Dr Hump,
I have a
serious problem I needed to talk to you about. I'm a 20-year-old guy and I've
been masturbating since I was 12. Those days I did it like 2 - 3 times a week,
but now it's been 1 - 2 times a day since 2 years ago.
Honestly, it
really gives me a very good pleasure and I enjoy doing it. However, recently, a
couple of friends of mine who are studying medicine told me it is very
dangerous. They told me it affects my future on producing sperm and having a
healthy baby.
Is that really true scientifically? Please guide me; I'm
really worried. Some days I cry. If it is true, what should I do in order to
solve this problem? I'd love to have a kid and I want it to be completely
healthy. Please guide me.
Regards,
Moshfegh. |
Dear
Moshfegh,
You are unusual; did
you know that? And crying like a baby is not going to make the problem go away.
At 20 years old you really should have a girlfriend to have sex with
instead of masturbating all the time.
Yes, I've heard it's very
dangerous too, it can make you go blind and your limbs will fall off if you do
it too much. Stop it now before it's too late!
With all my
love,
Dr Hump. |
Dear
Dr Hump,
I am a
17-year-old bisexual. I have not had an orgasm yet and I just wanted to know
how to properly give oral sex to both sexes. I mean the type of oral sex that
makes them wanna come back for more.
I would also like to know why I
got a yeast infection after having a threesome with a girl and her boyfriend.
The health department told me it was caused by something irregular that threw
my something or other (I forgot what it was called) off balance.
Also,
can a yeast infection be caused if a bunch of people fingered you without
washing their hands?
Thanks a lot,
Megan. |
Dear
Megan,
Yuk, you filthy slut;
of course letting a bunch of strangers finger and lick your muff can result in
a yeast infection. You're lucky didn't get something worse.
Given that
you've now got an STD though being so loose, I doubt there are going to be that
many victims who will come back for more oral sex after you've passed on your
disgusting infections to them. Sorry luv, I can't help you out at all. I think
you're a dirty cow and at only 17-years-old too, what's the world cuming
to?
With all my love,
Dr Hump. |
Dear
Dr Hump,
I just can't
seem to get pussy. Please give me some advice.
Regards,
Sam. |
Dear
Sam,
The reason why most guys who
can't get pussy is because they normally fit into at least one of the following
categories, i.e., fat, ugly, smelly, poor, bald, boring, badly dressed or
slimy.
Your only option is to find a woman who fits into some or all of
the previously mentioned categories or pay a prostitute (no good if you're
poor).
If this doesn't work your only option left is an inflatable
rubber doll.
With all my love,
Dr Hump. |
Dear
Dr Hump,
This may sound
quite a weird question for advice but anyway; I have recently started going out
with my boyfriend. When we have sex I can't feel him inside me! It's not that
he has a small penis, because he hasn't it's average and I don't think it's me
being like a bucket, as when he fingers me he can get 3 fingers maximum.
Why can't I feel him inside me? I just don't enjoy sex when I should.
I'm really worried about this because he's going to start noticing! What do I
do?
Worried,
Kate. |
Dear
Kate,
Well my dear, if
you've got a cunt like the Mersey Tunnel, it's no wonder your boyfriend feels
like he's throwing a sausage in a bucket or a lizard in a buiscuit tin.
In the words of Marilyn Manson, I think cake and sodomy is the answer
to your predicament.
Judging by the letters I receive, I understand anal
sex is quite popular in these permissive days and hopefully you'll be able to
feel your boyfriend up you if he enters at the rear orifice.
With all my
love,
Dr Hump. |
Dear
Dr Hump,
I'm 15 and my
penis size is 5 inches long when erect. Is this small and how big is yours?
Thanks,
Ryan. |
Dear
Ryan,
Sorry to hear
about your penis being well below average in size and the bad news is if it's a
mere 5 inches at the age of 15, it's probably not going to get much
bigger.
This will present problems in later life when you try to lose
your virginity, as you're not going to satisfy any woman (or man) with such a
tiny winkle. Oh dear! The only words of comfort I can provide is to inform you
your penis is bigger than mine, however, I shouldn't get too excited, as I
don't actually have one, I've got a punani instead, because I'm not a
man.
I've said this before, it's crap about size not being important and
it's what you do with it that counts. What a load of bollocks, I'd much rather
have a big thick cock inside me any day, rather than that puny thing you have
between your legs.
With all my love,
Dr Hump. |
Dear
Dr Hump,
I have been
married about 40 days, my wife gave me the most beautiful thing that a woman
can give her husband, her virginity. Now the only problem is, every time I am
about to penetrate she has the most horrible pain ever. Can you suggest
anything?
Regards,
James. |
Dear
James,
Sprinkle some cocaine on
her fanny to numb her front passageway before you do her. Rub it in with your
tongue and save a bit for you and your wife to snort. In fact, if she snorts
enough of it she won't be at all bothered about what you're getting up to down
below.
If the problem persists, it would be a good idea to move on to
crack cocaine instead.
If all these suggestions fail then get a divorce.
It sounds to me the 15-year-old with a small cock should be doing your wife and
you should be shagging Bucket Fanny Kate.
With all my love,
Dr Hump. |
Dear
Dr Hump,
I am a kid who
really wants to have sex, however, my parents wouldn't approve and I go to an
all boys' school.
What should I do?
James.
P.S. I'm not gay, just so you
know and please send your response to my e-mail address. |
Dear
James,
A shame you're not a
batty boy, as then you'd get plenty of sex at your all boy's school; I've heard
they get up to all sorts of naughty things in the dormitories or indeed with
the school chaplain/ teachers at those horrible fee-paying child molesting
prison schools that your parents have sent you to, because they can't be
bothered to bring you up themselves.
Unless you go for the gay sex
option then you'll just have to remain a virgin and carry on wanking until you
get out of that awful public school hell and into the real world where
hopefully you'll be able to find a nice girl to screw, assuming this boys'
school doesn't turn you into a complete nerdy fuck-up.
With all my
love,
Dr Hump. |
Dear
Kristen,
I don't hump myself,
as I get lots of hunky studs to do it for me. I suppose if you're that
desperate you could get a cucumber from the grocery store and sit on the
washing machine while it's on spin dry.
With all my love,
Dr
Hump. |
Dear
Dr Hump,
I've got in my
life this girl I know (lets call her Mandy), who only likes me for my huge cock
and nothing else. She doesn't care about me being poor or ugly or if I'm an
asshole, she only likes me for my cock.
My question is, should I leave
her and try to find someone better for what they like about me instead of my
cock, or should I stay and be happy what with I already have?
Thanks,
Tommy. |
Dear
Tommy,
I'd consider yourself lucky
you have a girlfriend at all, as you sound like a right wanker who normally
wouldn't stand a cat in hells chance of getting laid.
If this woman is
mad enough to go out with you then I'd certainly stick to what you've got or
you'll end up being a wanker in more ways than one.
With all my
love,
Dr Hump. |
Dear
Dr Hump,
I am an
18-year-old male and for the first time I made love to a wonderful girl, with
whom I'm now in love with! She had been with one other guy before me and said
she got no pleasure from him, but he got pleasure from her. When we are
together, neither of us gets any sort of satisfaction from intercourse (except
oral).
Is there something wrong with her body, or does our chemistry
just not work? Please help; I hope you will reply directly to my e-mail
address.
Yours truly,
Eric. |
Dear
Eric,
You are right. It is
quite possible she has something wrong with her body; perhaps she's no good for
anything other than giving head.
Either that or the chemistry doesn't
work. You could find another girl who enjoys a good shafting the normal way;
they do exist honest! Remember you can always keep this girl on hand for
discreet blowjobs or if your mates are up for it, you could get into group
sex.
With all my love,
Dr Hump. |
Dear
Dr Hump,
I am a
28-year-old normal guy. I have a problem of wet dreams, within a week it
happened 3 - 4 times in the morning (around 4 - 5 am).
My other problem
is while travelling in bus or train, when a girl sits besides me I get exited
and some jelly type liquid comes out from my penis.
This happens when I
think about girls too. When I saw a blue movie (xxx) I got very excited and my
penis flew out more of this jelly.
My parents want me to get married,
but I am not able to because of the above problem.
Please just help me
out.
Regards,
Prince of
Sion. |
Dear
Prince of Sion,
This mystery
substance is called sperm, spunk or manfat, which you really should know about
by the age of 28. You didn't go to a public school did you by any
chance?
You may get married, yet as you suffer from premature
ejaculation and your sexual knowledge is so retarded, I doubt it'll be long
after the marriage when she asks for a divorce. To be utterly honest, I can't
say I'd blame her; who the fuck wants to be married to a guy that shoots his
load the second it gets touched and has the sexual know-how of Cliff
Richard?
With all my love,
Dr Hump. |
Dear
Dr Hump,
Thank you for
your site. Whenever I feel like I've got problems, it only takes the reading of
one or two questions from the fucked up pathetic hopeless losers who send you
questions to make me feel great.
I never knew there were so many stupid
people, but now I do, I know I'll do that much better in life with no
competition worth noting.
Regards,
Dr Tchock. |
Dear
Dr Tchock,
Yes I have to say I
agree with you, the people who write to me are a bit sad, to say the
least.
Still, we all get pleasure from laughing at their predicaments.
Keep those questions rolling in, you sad fuck-ups. Why does
Dr Hemp get lots more questions than me? Have I said
something wrong or given some bad advice or something? Well fuck off the lot of
you!
With all my love,
Dr Hump. |
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