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Ask Dr Hump
Past archives
Scroll down the page to read past questions sent to our
sex expert, Dr Hump. Remember if you have a sex related question - you can
e-mail Dr Hump at [email protected].
Also, for advice on cannabis or other recreational drugs
you can ask the Caned In Totnes pot agony uncle - Dr
Hemp. |
Dear
Dr Hump,
I am addicted
to sex; however, I fear it may cost me my prestigious job presenting a popular
daytime television show on ITV.
People often say I'm very charming and
I can use my fame to get into any girls knickers I so desire. I even did Denise
Robertson and Ulrika Johnson; beat that! (I certainly did, the bitches loved
it.)
My problem is these whores are now crying to the newspapers about
the fact I'm a bit forceful when surely you must understand they had it coming!
(The slags, you shouldn't flash it like the lovely Ulrika does and then whinge
about it afterwards).
I cannot (and do not want to) stop my urges; after
all, this is normal behaviour isn't it? Tell me Dr Hump, how can I keep this
out of the papers and hold on to my cushy over-paid job? This means a lot to me
as you wouldn't believe how many impressionable women I've had my wicked way
with by using my famed Scottish charm.
I feel you're my only hope as my
lawyers have told me not to make any plans for the foreseeable future and hope
I get on well with Jonathon King.
Yours sincerely,
Anon.
P.S. Please under no
circumstances publish my name or email. |
Dear
John Leslie,
I've
always hated your morning television programme as it panders to people with no
self-dignity or life worth noting.
I can't believe you've got away with
it for so long, you're bank balance must be huge, as I've always found your
smarmy television persona a right turn off and I can't believe the girls like
you for anything other than your money.
I hope you go to jail where
you'll still get plenty of sex, but it won't be with beautiful naive young
women, it'll be with hairy arsed brutes instead who would love to force
themselves on you, just like you did to your victims.
What an unlucky
spin on the wheel of fortune for you, maybe karma does exist after all; I'm
certainly looking forward to your crucifixion in the Sunday papers and imminent
prison sentence.
With all my love,
Dr Hump. |
Dear
Dr Hump,
What is the
best approach to ask my female neighbor for some sex?
She is separated
from her husband and kids, lives alone in her own apartment and is about thirty
years old, not the best looking, but not the worst looking either.
I
really want to have sex with this woman and I also like to eat pussy. Please
advise how I can get into her knickers.
Regards,
Fuzz. |
Dear
Fuzz,
The best approach is to go
up to her and say "fancy a shag darling, I'd love to shoot my load in you and I
adore eating pussy."
Go on, next time you see this woman, ask her
bluntly for sex, please remember to be as explicit in your intentions as you
can. If her husband has just left her and she's only moderately pretty, then
she probably hasn't had a screw in ages and will be gagging for it.
With
all my love,
Dr
Hump. |
Dear
Dr Hump,
Do you have any
advice? I am too young to have sex; I will hump anything I can get my hands on.
Do you have any advice on how to feel like your having sex, even if you're not
actually doing it with a person?
Please email me back as soon as you
can and fast like now tonight I need sex please email me at
[email protected] or any advice for
feeling like your doing it in the shower or bath.
If you don't mind,
can you scan a picture of your penis and email it to me so I can fantasise
about it.
Regards,
Emy
Lou. |
Dear
Emy Lou,
You sound like an
extremely sad person, so it's no surprise to me you don't get any
action.
Even when you are old enough to have sex, your sex life will
still mainly consist of intimacy with a dildo, a root vegetable or a beer
bottle.
I have no pictures of my penis, predominantly because I'm female
and don't have a dick; however, as your email has now been published on my
site, I'm sure many of our readers will email you their propositions and/ or
pictures of their wedding tackle (though they'll all tell you they're not
married, honey).
With all my love,
Dr Hump. |
Dear
Dr Hump,
I think you're
well funny and you sound like a right nympho that doesn't get enough of that
sweet sweet lovin'
Fancy a shag anytime? If you're ever in Stoke just
give us a call.
Cheers,
Edd Dell'Isola.
P.S. I'm an
18-year-old DJ (bet that made you scream, aaaaaarrrrghhhhhhh!!!) and I'm
awfully caned. |
Dear
Edd Dell'Isola,
Thanks
for the offer, but I prefer real men to teeny DJs (yuk); besides, I'd never be
seen dead in Stoke.
I do know someone who might be interested; on
condition you email her a photo of your penis.
With all my
love,
Dr Hump. |
Dear
Dr Hump,
I am a
15-year-old female virgin. My boyfriend and me have been going out for two
years now. We both want to give our virginity to each other.
The problem
is we can never find time alone. His parents are constantly watching him and my
parents are constantly watching me, especially my father. How can we find a way
to sneak off together?
Also, I am afraid because we both are virgins, I
feel he really doesn't know what he is doing if we had sex. How can I make sure
he knows what he is doing so I don't have extra pain when I lose my virginity
to him?
Please write back ASAP.
Yours sincerely,
Endia. |
Dear
Endia,
I'm sorry to hear neither
you nor your boyfriend have lost their cherries due to your overbearing
parents. Your family sounds like a dull bunch of Christian do-gooders and who
the fuck needs them?
Drugs are the answer to your predicament. Get hold
of some really strong sleeping pills and spike both your parents' drinks and
then you'll be able to do it no problem whilst your parents sleep. I'm told
Nitrazepam does the job nicely; you may even find some in your parents'
medicine cupboard, if not, blag some from your local GP.
I'm sure you'll
both have no trouble losing your virginity. Just get your kecks off and fuck
the living daylights out of him; if he has any trouble getting it up, give him
a bj to get things rolling. Once it's hard, slide him in and don't worry if it
hurts, you'll soon grow to love it.
With all my love,
Dr Hump. |
Dear
Dr Hump,
Hey my name is
Kris and I have a serious problem. Right before I orgasm I sort of go crazy on
my girl. When I am about there I start yelling at her with harsh phrases such
as "dumb slut" or "you love my huge cock" and I may occasionally slap her in
the face. When I burst, I grab her head and squirt all over her and try to get
it in her eyes and nose.
I don't mean to be like this, but when I am
about to orgasm this is what happens to me. Do you have any idea what I can do
to help me and especially for my girlfriend.
Thanks for your
time.
Yours sincerely,
Kris. |
Dear
Kris,
I shouldn't worry too
much; some girls would love to have a boyfriend who treats them like that
whilst climaxing.
If she doesn't like being called a bitch and slapped
in the face while you're making love then I suggest you get into S&M. Get
your girlfriend to tie and gag you up before sex (ropes, leather, handcuffs,
bailer twine, etc., are all suitable), this will of course prevent you from
lashing out at your girlfriend when you peak.
With all my
love,
Dr Hump. |
Dear
Dr Hump,
I am 17 and my
penis is too large to fit inside the girl I am currently dating. We have tried
many times but she sounds like she is dying. I don't want to hurt her so if you
could give me some suggestions that would be greatly appreciated.
Your
sincerely,
Justin. |
Dear
Justin,
Yawn, yawn, yawn! I get
plenty of letters from teeny boys with too much testosterone that think they've
got something to offer us girls in the trouser department.
You're
girlfriend must be crap if she doesn't like a big dick up her quim, she's not
another one of those bloody dykes is she?
If it's so big then take a
photo of it and email it to some of my previous correspondents.
With all
my love,
Dr Hump. |
Dear
Dr Hump,
I'm a damn cute
chocolate princess and I've been dating this asshole, only to find out he's
still fucking his baby's momma.
Now he is acting all stupid and shit
and his bitch is prank calling me. The problem is he has a good big dick and
head. Should I keep him for sexual reasons?
Regards,
Cladiecee. |
Dear
Cladiecee,
Does it really matter
your boyfriend is still humping his ex? As long as you still get a decent share
of his well-endowed manhood, I shouldn't be too hasty or you'll end up using a
vegetable or something similar.
If you're that cute then I'm sure you
can get plenty of cock action to satisfy your hungry hole; so I think you
should play the field too; just don't get a nasty STD whilst your putting it
about.
With all my love,
Dr Hump. |
Dear
Dr Hump,
First off, I
must express amazement at the level of sheer and utter depravity I experienced
by going through the archives. It was quite refreshing. Not that I envy your
job, mind you. How do you put up with it?
Secondly, I want to ask you,
what techniques and/or positions do women most intensely achieve orgasm
in?
Peace and love,
Johnny. |
Dear
Johnny,
Thank you for
the compliments, it's nice to receive an email from someone who is not a warped
pervert once in a while.
There are all sorts of positions out there
that us girls like to be shafted in. I must say I personally have never wanted
to be slapped in the face or entered via the backdoor, however, judging by some
of my letters, I'm rather unusually normal.
At the end of the day, it's
looks combined with the size of their manhood that gets me every time, not how
they use it and as for personality, I don't care how witty and charming they
are, if they're ugly they're not coming in.
With all my love,
Dr Hump. |
Dear
Dr Hump,
I have this
problem when my girlfriend is giving me head and I'm not able to cum. Even
after she has been down there for like an hour I still don't manage to shoot!
Am I broken or is she doing it wrong? Have I smoked too much pot? Or have I
whacked off too much?
Any help would be much appreciated. Please email
me back as soon as possible; I need this problem fixed before I go
crazy!
Thanks,
Piccolo. |
Dear
Piccolo,
Either you have a
broken knob or more likely your girlfriend needs a few lessons in giving
head.
Share her about a bit with your mates and tell her she can't come
back until she learns how to suck cock properly. I can assure you if I went
down on you, my lips and oral techniques would have you shooting your load
before you could say Rumpelforeskin. Not that I'd ever give head to anyone sad
enough to write to me.
With all my love,
Dr Hump. |
Dear
Dr Hump,
I have this
problem, you see, I cannot achieve orgasm through standard masturbation
anymore. I strain myself, but I just can't do it. The only way I can cum is
through anal stimulation with a vibrating object. Is there something wrong with
me?
Also I sometimes think of my mother during sex, is that abnormal? I
wouldn't ever have sex with my mom, but just the forbidden thought turns me
something else! Also, I have a 4-inch penis, but the first time I had sex my
girlfriend said I was good. Was it because of the girth of my penis (it is
thick) or was she just being nice?
Thanks,
Seymour. |
Dear
Seymour,
Now did you
really need to write to me to ask if thinking about your mother while having
sex is abnormal? Of course it fucking is you dirty degenerate
fuck-up.
As for needing anal stimulation in order to cum, I'm sorry to
break the news to you, but this definitely means you're a homo and a mummies
boy, which explains your Oedipus complex (this means you're
disturbed).
You're girlfriend is just being nice, yet I shouldn't worry
too much, as she'll be dumping you soon and getting a larger model who doesn't
like it up the arse while fantasising about their poor old mom.
Yuk!
With all my love,
Dr Hump. |
Dear
Dr Hump,
I have a really
big fantasy about my wife screwing another bloke and am desperate to get the
ball rolling. After asking her she played at the idea in a play acting way, but
now she says she will not. I need some advice on how to get her to go with
another man.
Yours truly,
Robert. |
Dear
Robert,
Luckily for
you I have an answer for your predicament and the good news is it's going to be
fun.
Organise a big party at your house and make sure there's plenty of
alcohol and drugs at hand.
Get your misses pissed and pop her an E or
two to loosen her up a bit. Encourage your friends to flirt with your wife and
hopefully this should set things off.
If she's still not up for it then
slip some Rohypnol into her wine and let your mates go for it once the drugs
have settled in.
With all my love,
Dr Hump. |
Dear
Dr Hump,
I'm 15 years
old and my boyfriend asked me could he finger me and I said yes. He's coming
over today and I wanted to know what position do I get in (I'm a virgin) and
will it hurt?
Regards,
Ebony. |
Dear
Ebony,
Tell him to cut
his nails and be gentle.
With all my love,
Dr Hump. |
Dear
Dr Hump,
So in your
opinion what would you prefer? Johnson & Johnson baby oil, which is most
definitely cheaper or a nice lube from Boots, because I like to keep on
shagging after I cum, but my broad tends to get dry.
Regards,
Juan. |
Dear
Juan,
No idea John, I don't
get dry, she's either up the duff or you've been shafting somebody's
grandmother.
With all my love,
Dr Hump. |
Dear
Dr Hump,
They say you
should always wash your hands after having a crap, to prevent the spread of
germs. So how come my girlfriend and me are still fit and healthy after shoving
our tongues up each other's arses?
Regards,
Mark. |
Dear
Mark,
I tell you what, I
used to think rimming was filthy and disgusting until someone did it to me and
since then I've never looked back (which can be quite difficult when somebody's
tongue is roughly licking your sphincter).
A bit of dirt never did
anyone no harm and I'm all for having your arse cleaned out in this manner.
Here's a tip for couples into rimming: eat a hot curry and some prunes,
washed down with Newcastle Brown Ale, a few hours prior to your poohole
snogging frenzy to make this intimate moment a special one.
With all my
love,
Dr Hump. |
Dear
Dr Hump,
I need a little
advice about my knob.
I have just turned 17 and I've started getting
intimate with this girl (got to the stage of fingers and thumbs) and now I'm
shitting myself for when I have to use my equipment, as I've got a really tight
foreskin and a really sensitive head.
I can't pull my skin over my head
easily, only when it is flaccid and if I do pull it over when I get a stiff, I
can feel it getting really tight around the head and painful, which makes it
literally imposable to slide back over.
I also have the really annoying
problem of my head being extremely sensitive, so sensitive that it cannot be
touched or sucked off. If this is done to me, I get this really unusual pain
that I can't stand. I know I've got to do something, but I hate operations, I
don't mind being circumcised, but I would have to be knocked out with drugs and
not given any injections (I hate them) and don't want no tubes being passed
down my bell end. Just wondering if you know anything I can do to solve the
problem with as little pain as possible.
Regards,
John. |
Dear
John,
I'm surprised
you've got a girlfriend at all considering you haven't finished puberty yet and
your knob is not fully developed, which is a bit of a worry as you're already
17. I bet none of your mates have got this problem.
Girls like big hard
cocks that can pound them for hours and if you've got a sensitive foreskin then
you'll just have to learn how to masturbate very carefully.
There is no
cure for your rare penis abnormality and it'll hurt more as you get older (both
mentally and physically), if I were you I'd keep your problems to yourself and
not publish them on the Internet with your name and email, as people will quite
rightly ridicule you when they read about your malformed member.
With
all my love,
Dr
Hump. |
Dear
Dr Hump,
There is no way
you can possibly be a chick, no fucking way, chicks don't talk the way you do,
shit you must have the filthiest mouth ever, not even the stuff I read in porno
mags compares to the smut that comes out of your dicksucker. But you make me
laugh, the shit you say is unreal, really funny, keep up the good work. But
don't lie to us by saying you are a girl.
To my question, there is this
chick I would really like to stick my dick into, but there is no way she would
let me touch her, coz I used to fuck a relative of hers (no it's not her mum),
but rather some distant cousin.
I've got a feeling that if I offered
her some money she would take it. How do I offer her the money in exchange for
sex without making her feel like a whore/slut? She even pulled her panties and
pissed in front of me once, she was a bit drunk and know I let an opportunity
slip through my fingers, damn!
Cheers,
Thuto. |
Dear
Thuto,
That's a bit sexist
to assume only a man could give such good advice as mine. From my experience,
most men are not sexually advanced enough to handle some of the complex issues
that are raised on my letters page.
Thanks anyway for the compliment. I
must say I was beaming with pride when you said I had the filthiest mouth ever.
As far as I'm concerned Clair Raynor and Denise Robertson can both fist fuck a
mountain goat; if you want real and honest advice then you know where to come.
It's difficult to offer money to a girl in exchange for sex without
making her feel like a whore, because that's exactly what she'll be.
If
you think she'll say yes to your indecent proposal then go ahead and offer her
some money for sex. Even if she says no, there are plenty of other nice-looking
women who'll gladly accept your cash in exchange for a shag. Ask Hugh Grant how
much he paid, though I'm sure you can find a better looking one than the moose
he paid to give him a bj in the back of his car.
With all my
love,
Dr Hump. |
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