| |
 |
Ask Dr Hump
Past archives
Scroll down the page to read past questions sent to our
sex expert, Dr Hump. Remember if you have a sex related question - you can
e-mail Dr Hump at [email protected].
Also, for advice on cannabis or other recreational drugs
you can ask the Caned In Totnes pot agony uncle - Dr
Hemp. |
| Dear
Dr Hump,
You have been
approved.
Cash Grant Amount:
$10,000-$5,000,000
Did You Know?
Each Year the U.S. Goverment Gives away
BILLIONS in cash grants? -There are No special requirements to obtain these
grants. -These are Free Cash Grants That you NEVER have to repay!
Dr Hump, You Qualify!Limited Time Offer. |
Dear
Limited Time Offer,
Yes please,
I'd really like $5,000,000.
Pay it now into my bank account.
Cheers mate.
With all my love,
Dr Hump. |
Dear
Dr Hump,
I've been
seeing this girl (not the inflatable kind, or even a man dressed up) and I
would like some advice on how to get her to talk dirty to me while we
fuck.
Warm smiley regards,
Phillip. |
Dear
Phillip,
If you want
this girl to talk dirty to you then you should teach her to speak English or at
least bark.
With all my love,
Dr Hump. |
Dear
Dr Hump,
First of all,
you have a cool site. Nice and to the point.
I'm a great looking
20-year-old male in college. I have a girlfriend whom I want to marry in the
far future (3-6 years). I love her. She gives me great sex when she is here.
She goes to a school that is a four-hour drive away and we only see each other
about twice a month. The problem is that I love sex and session of sex twice a
month isn't cutting it. I don't want a relationship with anybody else. What
should I do?
Regards,
Melvin.
P.S. Do you suggest
getting a fuck buddy? If so, how do I go about doing that? |
Dear
Melvin,
If you need lots
of sex then you should do what your "girlfriend" is doing and spread yourself
about it bit too. She's probably not going to marry you anyway.
Go and
find a fuck buddy right away to satisfy your sexual needs that your girlfriend
cannot give you while she's a four-hour drive away.
With all my
love,
Dr Hump. |
Dear
Dr Hump,
I would really
like to know if you would lose your virginity if you had anal sex or if you got
fingered?
Cheers,
Reham. |
Dear
Dr Hump,
I live in the
USA and my problem is my husband used to give me multiple orgasms before we
were married. We've only been married a year and I have trouble reaching an
orgasm at all.
He's willing to do anything I suggest because I was
honest to him about the problem. I've tried different positions and foreplay,
it goes on for hours and I don't understand this change. We are still very much
in love, but no sex life. What happened?
Thanks you,
Married in the USA. |
Dear
Married in the USA,
You're
frightened of terrorists. Relax honey and do some drugs.
If he's
willing to do anything why don't you get him to dress up as a nun and give him
religious spanking services? This is a long shot, as at the end of the day,
you're both getting old and bored of each other. Get a toy boy!
With all
my love,
Dr Hump. |
Dear
Dr Hump,
Hey how are you
doing? I need a bit of help doc. I'm quite a good looking lad who is
occasionally compared to Gareth Gates, which is both very flattering and very
annoying.
Anyway, I have a serious problem. When it comes to getting
girls I have no self confidence. Unless the girl literally comes up and
whispers something in my ear I won't make a move.
For a wee while I
wasn't too bothered, but I have sorted my life out and there is this girl who I
really like. I need to know the shit you ladies want to hear. I was a typical
lad, but have now calmed down my ways and am a bit more peace and love.
Your advice will be much appreciated, cheers for the
help!
Love,
Pete. |
Dear
Pete,
If you look like
that weedy dweeb Gareth Gates then you should have no problem getting your end
away with school children, but you might end up getting done for under-aged sex
and spending summer time with Jonathon King and Gary Glitter.
With all
my love,
Dr Hump. |
Dear
Dr Hump,
Hey your site
is fucking awesome. I usually just read it for shits and giggles, but finally I
have a question I'd like you to answer. A couple of months ago I had sex on X
(ecstasy) and then the next time I had sex I didn't feel a fucking thing.
I've heard that you should never have sex on X because that one feeling
is so good that no other sex with make up to it; or something like that. So I
was wondering if my sex life is now fucked now after having sex on X?
Regards,
Christine.
P.S. I'm not one of the
weirdoes who go to your site and just waste your time, I'd really like an
answer from you, as you seem like a wise person. |
Dear
Christine,
You are right!
One should never have sex after taking ecstasy.
It's a filthy horrible
business and never be done by anybody ever.
With all my love,
Dr Hump. |
Dear
Dr Hump,
They say you
should always wash your hands after having a crap, to prevent the spread of
germs. So how come me and my girlfriend are still fit and healthy after shoving
our tongues up each others arses?
Yours,
Mark. |
Dear
Mark,
A little bit of dirt
never hurt anyone, you filthy bastard.
With all my love,
Dr Hump. |
Dear
Dr Hump,
Please can you
help?
Phallus domesticus as any ordinary phallus appears to be, it is
no more. Mine had just walked out on me or I lost him, can't really remember.
Any contact with 'Erotic Lost Property' offices in UK?
Perhaps knowing
details of their meetings out in a wild or migration tracks in Britain could be
of some help. Am desperate to be reunited.
Thanks,
Jam Gorilla. |
Dear
Jam Gorilla,
Jake's bible
of comedowns states Benzodiapines, notably Diazepam (Valium) and 5HTP, (a
serotonin precursor) which has a medically verified curiosity that helps a
person find their phallus.
With all my love,
Dr Hump. |
Dear
Dr Hump,
I'm basically
pissed off with my girlfriend. I'm not a virgin, she is. I never thought that
sex for the first time could be such a big deal.
Now I mean she's not
frigid or anything, but any time I try and get it on, she can't hack it, and
says things like 'I'm not ready'. She says it's her problem and nothing to do
with me, but I'm getting really fucked off. We've been going out for 3 months.
I like her, so I don't want to really hurt her, but at the same time, no nookie
is a death sentence.
Am I being a wanker if I dump her? Even better,
could you just tell me how to rid her of her irrational sex-anxiety?
Pissed Off Student. |
Dear
Pissed Off
Student,
I'm sorry to break the news, but your girlfriend most
definitely is frigid.
"I'm not ready" means she doesn't want to fuck
you; either persuade her otherwise or get a decent loose girl who will let you
do her at the drop of a hat.
With all my love,
Dr Hump. |
Dear
Dr Hump,
I'm a 20 year
old Marine who has a little problem. When ever me and my 18 year old girlfriend
have sex she pees on me. After being with her for more than 2 years she has
never managed to have an orgasm. I used to make my ex girls cum like
crazy.
Instead when she feels the peak of her climax she pees on me.
What is going on here? Why is she peeing on me? I have even got to the point
where I make her relieve herself before we fuck, but still instead of cumming
she pisses and what's more, she says it feels good too.
Please respond.
Yours,
Robert. |
Dear
Robert,
That's
unlucky to have an 18-year-old girlfriend who pisses on you while making love;
this must be a real nightmare. Poor you, I feel terribly sorry for
you.
Are you sure she's only 18 and not 80? Why the hell is her bladder
leaking at that age? That's disgusting.
Fit her with a catheter or dump
her.
With all my love,
Dr Hump. |
Dear
Dr Hump,
I am 23 year
old student and I am staying away from home for studies doing graduation.
Once I was staying in a hostel with my younger sister. There was only
one bed in each single room, so I had to arrange another bed for her. Then she
slept on my bed and I slept on another bed, which I arranged with my friend.
As I was used to sleeping on my bed, I could not sleep on another bed.
So after a long try, I went to my original bed on which my sister was sleeping
and we laid down in different directions.
Later in the night, I noticed
she was doing something, I wondered what? I was hard and had a feeling of
rigidness in my penis.
I immediately went to my previous bed. At that
time, nothing happened, but since then a feeling of guilt has arisen.
I
love my sister very much and would do anything for her. I feel it should not
have happened, because she is my sister. We have slept many times on the same
bed, but I don't know why it happened that day.
Regards,
Piyush. |
Dear
Piyush,
I think incest is
disgusting and the reason you feel guilty is because you did not stop this when
it happened. This guilt is likely to continue and worsen for the rest of your
life.
On the brighter side of things, at least you'll know when your
sister is having a period because your Dad's dick will taste
different.
With all my love,
Dr Hump. |
Dear
Dr Hump,
I have a
girlfriend that is wonderful. I have a problem though; every time we try to
have sex, I can't keep it up. I try and try, but without success.
It's
even difficult to masturbate sometimes. I still want to have sex, but can't and
I'm only a teenager, not some old man. What is wrong with me?
Regards,
Rury. |
Dear
Rury,
You have got Premature Senile
Penis Syndrome (PSPS), which usually only effects people over 50. Yet in rare
cases, this horrible affliction can be developed at an early age; just like it
has in you! Bad luck, as there's no cure!
You're going to have to spend
the rest of your life in slippers and cardigans cajoling your flaccid member
into some form of puny erection.
With all my love,
Dr Hump. |
Dear
Dr Hump,
I love the
site. Most of the information is good, but then you get the stupid lil boys and
testosterone goes up and the stupid but funny questions get asked. I have
switched over to this site from Dr. Hemp and I want you to know I like your
site just as much as Dr. Hemp's. So keep rocking girl.
Your Faithful
Fan In Boston,
Italian
Girlie. |
Dear
Italian Girlie,
Thank you,
but Dr Hemp will get very jealous and beat me when he reads this.
With
all my love,
Dr
Hump. |
Dear
Dr Hump,
I am only 14
years old and having sex. The most recent time I had sex was on last Monday
(May 5th). When I was having intercourse it hurt in my low abdominal area. It
felt as if something was poking there.
When he was going in and out, it
was a weird feeling and this is the first time I have experienced something
like that. It felt like it was hitting against something in my low adnominal
area. What do you think this could mean?
Also I have another question.
Last night I had a weird tingling sensation down by my pussy. I was frequently
going to the bathroom; I probably went 15 times in 3 hours. The next morning I
woke up and a couple hours later and I bled a little, but I'm pretty sure it
was my period, since I should be expecting it soon. However, my period schedule
was messed up, because I took the morning after pill on Monday (May 5th) and I
should of started my period a week ago.
What do you think is the matter?
I was thinking I might have a bladder infection but I'm not sure.
Yours
sincerely,
Heidi. |
Dear
Heidi,
Look love, you're
only 14 and if you will have sex with fully grown men, you might find it hurts
a bit, as his engorged member pushes into your stomach from inside. You're
lucky you didn't split in two!
Either you're up the duff or your
boyfriend didn't wash his dirty cheesy helmet and has given you a urinary or
uterine infection.
Best go down the VD clinic love to get a check up and
please remember to use a condom the next time you have sex.
With all my
love,
Dr Hump. |
Dear
Dr Hump,
Reading the
responses that you have posted for everyone shows that you really should not be
giving advice to people, as I think that you really need to learn what life is
about and that's sex.
Both men and women in their adolescent years
experiment and are looking for fun.
Did you have fun when you were
young or were you a sad fuck that wanked his way through colleague and
university and only fucked the hole in the wall or watched your mates?
Please close this web site as I don't think you are qualified to give
advice.
Please note that two men are fun and women are just to wet to
mention. Get a fucking life first before giving advice.
Yours
sincerely,
Kelly. |
Dear
Kelly,
Who the fuck are
you to lecture a Sex Goddess like me about the subject I know best? Anyway, I'm
not attached to an apparatus I can use to stick in a wall, so you're at a loss,
I'm afraid.
I never went to college, as I was too busy taking loads of
drugs and having lots of sex, as any self-respecting youngster should be
doing.
I know having sex with two men is fun, yet you'll just have to
settle for fantasising about such pleasures.
With all my love,
Dr Hump. |
Dear
Dr Hump,
How fucking
dare you!? You cheeky bitch! Reading some of these answers makes me wonder what
kind of freak slut you are. People ask embarrassing personal questions and
you're just a fucking rude whore about most of them.
You think that
because you can be a smart-ass that you're fucking special or something? Wrong,
you just look like a stupid little slut girl who never grew up properly and
who's been fucked since she was 10.
And giving advice that underage
people should have sex. Are you fucking stupid or something? And before you
reply with a clever answer, yes I'm a guy, I've fucked plenty of girls and I'm
happy with the lack of size of my dick.
A disgruntled stoner (yes you
have actually pissed off a stoner, well done).
Finaly, fuck
you!
Regards,
Cky. |
Dear
Cky,
Yeah, I'd gladly fuck you back,
but judging by the size of your manhood, I doubt it would amount to much. I
doubt anything could bring a smile to your sorry face.
Nothing could be
further from the truth; the advice I give is real and much sought after. You're
just jealous of my fame and glory; thousands of people every week are
titillated by my words of wisdom, so why the fuck should I give a shit what a
cunt like you thinks?
Call yourself a stoner; I bet you whitey on
soapbar and jack off to the Fat Slags in Viz thinking it's a porno
mag.
With all my love,
Dr Hump. |
|
